Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. And heaven meets earth with an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
And I don't have time to maintain these regrets as I think about the way that He loves us.
Oh how He loves us..."
- John Mark McMillan
Regrets that I can't, nor should I strive to, maintain:
- not being present for Theo's birth...
- our baby spending 4 months in the NICU without us...
- not finding the shorter route to Fairfax until the very last time we made the trip...
- not protesting the G-tube installation...
- agreeing to have a sleep study performed on a one-year old...
- disregarding God's voice speaking "do not worry, I know how much you want this" in order to cling to my default of anxiety...
- losing my tired temper... Repeatedly...
- not planning a party for Theo's first birthday...
- missing out entirely on his second birthday...
- disregarding our budget...
- not carrying the baby who was on oxygen as much as I carried the one who was not...
- being unable to ever repay the help we have been given over & over & over again...
- struggling to focus on the improvements he's making over how "slowly" he's making them...
- not being present for the other three kiddos...
... There are more.
I'm writing this list, not to self deprecate or beg for encouragement... after all, logic alone could eliminate the majority of the list... but to claim for myself the love of Christ that allows me to choose to not maintain my regrets. My feelings are constantly being drawn toward guilt, worry, fear, regret, and the pride of self hatred... But I don't have to default. I can choose instead to allow the perfect love of God to fill all the imperfections of my life, my week, my moments... Jesus has redeemed more than just my sins.
As I struggle through the tough end of a week-long hospital stay 2 hours from home, the Holy Spirit causes thanksgiving to flow from my tired attitude. I don't want to still be here. I don't want to hear "not today", I don't want to miss the conference and graduation ceremony we've been planning for half a year, I don't want to wrestle an uncomfortable baby into sleep at 2AM... But I get to.
I get to do the hard things it takes to be Theo's mom. I see a small picture of redemption in holding him all week while he's on oxygen in the PICU as his parent... Redemption of time he spent in a hospital without us. And while logic or encouragement could theoretically diffuse the regrets that I should not carry... It's having the perfect love of the all-seeing God inspite of all that I regret that truly sets me free. So it's here in the lengthy silence of the hospital room that I grow deeper in allowing God's grace to really be enough for my everything every day.
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