Let me count the ways you love me...

- you special order my chocolate covered strawberry blizzard with cone dip instead of chocolate chunks even though DQ's drive-thru speaker is the worst...

- you haul the trash can up our steep driveway in the dark every Monday night...

- you still watch sequel movies with me even though I'm incapable of remembering what happened in the previous movie or who the actors are...

- you work out with me...

- sometimes you lay on my side of the bed before I get in it so it's already warm...

- you interrupt my craziness with a real kiss...

- you always have to show me anything that makes you laugh so I can laugh too... 

- you wrote this on our mirror: 

- you rub my feet even though it ruins your thumbs...

- you work hard in the office then come home & serve & love & work & parent & play hard...

- you still read my blogs even though I continuously use amphersands...

- you value my input...

- you (now) always squish the milk container as soon as you empty it because I complained once about having to squish it after the milk remnants already smelled sour...

- you help me break overwhelming projects & scenarios into manageable steps when I'm freaking out...

- you fight with me...

- you don't think of me or treat me as irrational... Even though there are times I act irrationally...

- you'll listen to problems I have that you can't fix, and hug me when I hurt and you can't make it stop...

- you brag about me...

- you go to the grocery store for me so I don't have to drag kids with me even though you feel like it's an alien planet...

- you do the budget with me...

- you hulk out when my feelings get hurt, but don't react out of anger...

- you like to hear me sing...

- you refuse to let me settle for sitting next to each other while we escape seperately to Facebook or games as quality down time... 

- you take pictures of me...

- you attempt to surprise me...

- you answer honestly... Every time...

- you miss me when we're apart...

- you always plunge the toilets so I don't have to...

- you support my running habit...

- you bring me tasty coffees...

- you maintain both of our vehicles...

- you discuss spending with me before you buy things...

- you landscape our yard...

- you chop the onions so I don't have to get all weepy in the kitchen (& you cut them into tiny pieces for the salsa since that's how I prefer them)...

- you give me your opinion...

- you buy me things when I won't spend money on myself...

- you teach me... lots of stuff...

- you recognize how God is using me... And make sure I hear it too...

- you dye my hair...

- you apologize and mean it...

- you intentionally check in with me on how "we are doing"...

- you strive to live a life totally surrendered to the Holy Spirit and allow me a front row seat to see who He's transforming you into...

- you have have my portrait tattooed across your back... Just kidding. (He really doesn't.)

- you will be adorably embarrassed that I posted this...

... But you need to know how well you love me. I. Am. Blessed. 

To all readers who are not my husband... 

I used to have a  different list. 

I started it in one of the darkest points in our marriage... It was a list of things I love about Brice. Maybe it was a suggestion from a session of marriage counseling, or from a marriage book I read, or maybe a simple prompting from the Holy Spirit... I don't recall why I started it. But I would add something to the list in the moments when my heart was most craving the fantasy of escape... When the temptation to dream of how much better another circumstance that I was not in would wage war on my mind... When I couldn't come up with something to write, I would simply read it... God held us together. And He grew my list. 

This is not that list. 

Brice asked me how he could love me. That is a perfect question. But I no longer have a huge list of answers ready on the tip of my tongue (like I would've ten or six years ago). God has used our messy marriage to remove my desire for my husband to do my Savior's job. God has filled my heart with Himself and my husband is my favorite icing on top... And he apparently doesn't realize how good he is at loving me...

Do not use this to fuel your fantasy list for your spouse. Don't start imagining that our marriage is perfect. Just know that God can hold you right where you are. He can use the circumstance you're in, the pain you feel, the battle you're fighting. Hear me that we are not perfect... But our God is. Follow Him closely as He transforms your marriage, or singleness, by transforming your heart to reflect His own. Be inspired by my list, then go start your own...

Crazy Payne

i've figured it out!!! It suddenly makes sense!

It only took 1 sick day, 1 crazy saturday involving 2 separate sets of babysitting duos, 1 federal holiday celebrating a brave hero, 3 snow days (and counting), 2 school agers, 2 1.5-year olds, 43 dirty diapers, 13 minutes of "everyone's napping at the same time", and 0 trips out of the house in the past 5 days... but it's all coming together!

i figured out why parents are always going crazy!!!

i'm being serious here. i've developed a theory and i'm fairly certain this will be widely accepted. follow me down this rabbit hole...

My dad taught me that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different outcome... Read that again... It's the definition of parenting!!!! Eureka!!! It all makes sense!

We really ARE going crazy... or actually we have already arrived at crazy!!!

This realization hit me as i sat on the bathroom floor reading the same book to my super potty-trainer for the 12th time in 3 hours. i tried to remind myself to be present... To notice his cold feet and how he always insists on setting them on top of my feet... To force myself to count the dogs in the number book and enjoy the panting noises he makes every time he sees a dog... To use the silly voices... To act surprised that the turkey dives in the pool with his clothes on... i sought to soak him up. This was a battle, as every fiber in my being was just wanting to be done with the bathroom floor and the tired books and the potty cheers and wiping up poop from multiple surfaces and the "ca-ca" whispers that always come as soon as i finally get the diaper and pants back on him...

This time around i have perspective in my mom tool belt and the Holy Spirit helps me pull it out in these moments. He won't always need me to sit with him while he empties his bladder. i need not be sad at that thought... In fact i WILL celebrate that moment. But i need not worry... i just need to keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over again... then i need to do it 317 more times... and somewhere in all of that, things will change. Most likely i will be so wrapped up in other repetitions and repeating myself and new parenting chants that i won't even realize the very moment of change... but it will come.

Just like the crazy came so suddenly with parenting.

i'm hoping this realization will help me let go of my expectation to dwell anywhere other than crazy. After all, it's of no benefit to my kids to always hear "you're driving me crazy!!!"... especially murmured after they simply behave like the kids they are. Now that i've not-so-scientifically figured out why i feel so crazy, i'm going to soldier on making bottles, changing diapers, cleaning messes, reheating my coffee, "cooking" food, telling stories, listening, breathing, kissing, repeating... i officially take back the keys to this crazy train... i'm driving myself here, so i might as well enjoy the trip.

To The Heroes

I salute you. Not for the love you have for your child or parent or patient... For that is more natural. 

I salute you for the...

- medicines you measure

- tubes you rinse

- connections you check

- bags you fill

- sticky clothes you wear from meds coming back at you

- diapers you buy and change and dispose of

- metric ton of wipes you go through

- appointments you keep 

- ointments you apply

- alarms you answer and reset

- supplies you order (hopefully before you've completely run out over Christmas weekend)

- teeth you brush

- bottoms you clean

- prescriptions you refill

- therapy sessions you attend and the exercises you do at home

- bodily fluids you deal with

- sheets you change in the middle of sleeping hours

- levels you test

- numbers you hope for

- stairs and entrances and curbs you traverse

- bathroom stalls you have to use but don't fit into

- miles you drive to specialists

- temperatures you've taken

- bowel movements you've witnessed from an undesired front row seat

- nails you clip and the scratches from not clipping them soon enough

- hand soap and sanitizer you've blazed through

- Clorox you've scrubbed with

- gauze you stock up on

- sites you've managed

- infections you've fought off

- rashes you've investigated

- meals you mix or purée or balance

- muscles you move that aren't in your own body

- many hours you've spent writing down instructions for the short time you try to leave them with someone else 

- syringes you've come to prefer

- breathing treatments you sit (or wrestle) through

- antibiotics you try super hard to remember to add to the medicine routine

- chapped cheeks you battle

- snot you aspirate with a bulb syringe

- constipation meds you administer and the diarrhea you deal with when they work

- massages you attempt even though you have no clue if you're doing then correctly or if it actually helps

- buckles you fasten and unfasten

- helmets you've adjusted

- straps you lengthen and shorten regularly

- parts to specialized cups you hand wash

- bandages you change

- for your daily life...

I have spent a fleeting year where many of you spend a lifetime... and I am in awe

- of your patience

- of your love

- of your steadfastness 

- of your gentle hands

- of your tired hearts

- of your long suffering

- of you...

Not because you're perfect. Not because you never lose it. Not because you're constantly cheerful. But because you get up and love every single moment of every single day. Do not give up. That child, parent, spouse, patient is worth it and there is a God who promises the weary rest, the weak strength, the burdened relief, the mourner comfort... 

And we're standing with you too. Saluting you. 

2014 To-Do List

If you've read my previous blog posts you'll know that I'm neither good at New Years resolutions nor to-do lists. But here we are anyways since I'm apparently not so great at consistency either...

1) Rearrange Theo's Medical Cube:

All sizes of gauze, rolls of paper tape, second skin bandages, Mic-Key extension tubes, stomach acid protector lollipops, ointments, pads, screw on syringes... are no longer needed!!! Theo's G-tube and the hole from his tube are history! My leaky boy is well on his way to becoming a chubby boy and therefore we can get rid of all the junk from our feeding tube escapade!

2) Potty Train Maverick:

When a baby is ready to go... He's ready to go in the potty! Since Maverick is keeping his diaper dry during naps, emptying his bladder all at once, as well as removing poopy diapers when unsupervised in his crib... we've gotten out the Elmo potty and let him walk around without any pants on. While this significantly cuts down on the amount of daddy snuggling that occurs during the day, it seems like he's getting the concept. 

3) Cease Allowing Theo to Nap on Beds or Couches:

You plug a leaky hole in the kid's stomach and apparently there's no stoping him! He's all over the place. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have believed he'd be making such huge strides in sitting up and crawling, but he's unstoppable! No amount of pillow walls can keep him where I put him. So in 2014 we'll only be using cribs for sleeping. 

4) Wear Long Dresses:

Since unintentionally weaning Theo a few weeks ago I have a whole other section of my wardrobe accessible to me! I have been so incredibly blessed to have gotten to nurse two babies... even though they're "non-biological" twins. My heart is extremely full for this experience I now cherish in my memory. 

5) Teach Hannah To Tie Her Shoes:

I have a new strategy for 2014... Task Daddy with shoe-tying-teaching responsibilities. I don't know why this idea hasn't struck me before! I'm married to one of the most naturally gifted teachers around... If I put him in charge of teaching the kids to tie their shoes Maverick could possibly be tying up his own sneakers before he's fully potty trained. My husband is THAT good. 

6) Instill Persistence In My Oldest Two Kids:

Any ideas on this one are welcome. I've started reading a few books on persistence, but I haven't finished any of them. Just kidding. I can't read. Well... I can read... I just don't have much reading time in my daily life. I do, however, have a sinking suspicion that my kids aren't going to learn the importance of sticking with something when it's hard and no longer fun until I surrender my fear that I'm raising quitters... Thank Jesus He's showing me how to do that. 

7) Quit Baby Food:

It's hard to realize, but we will most likely be out of the purées and bottles in 2014. My daily routine can't even imagine this, but it's highly probable. 

8) Print Off Pictures:

We have some amazing photos on our computer and lots of open walls in need of decorating. I want to hang some smiling faces on those walls & printing off pictures would be the best way to accomplish that...

9) Stop Saying Sorry So Often:

This is a whole other blog post... But it needs to happen. "Sorry" has become an identity I've placed on myself rather than an apology... and that is not right. 

10) Abide in Jesus:

I can't do any of these things on my own. Sure, I can follow advice and try my hardest and stay up late and sit down less... but apart from Jesus I can do nothing. I'm not trying to sound self defeating, it's just that I really believe the Bible is true and that's what John 15:5 says. Regardless of what I consistently put pressure on myself to do, each day has been given to me to simply live WITH Jesus. I want to stop measuring my worth by how many never ending tasks I was "successful" at "completing". For living in Jesus is truly life. 

"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)