Thursday, December 3, 2015

Things Three Year Olds Don't Grasp About Christmas

Uninflated Inflateables
"They broken? How they popped? You fix them? How they no working? How they lay down? Aww... They dead? Why they there?..."

A Non-White Christmas Time
"It's Christmas time?!? It's snowy outside?!? Where's the snow? So, it not Christmas time yet?"

Why the Entire 16 oz Bag of Chocolate Bells Can't All Be Eaten In One Sitting
"...But Grandma George gave me this present! This for me. Her say I can eat them! They mine! All them mine!!!"

The Cost of Batteries 
"Mom, you fix this? How this broken? You put new batteries in this? You fix ALL the [million trinkets that are supposed to blink or flash or sing] things?!"

Santa Claus
{Someone innocently asks him if Santa is going to visit his house:} "Santa coming today at dark nap?!? Why he not come now? It not Christmas time yet? It not snowy outside? It IS Christmas!!! Santa coming NOW?!!"

Pumpkins That Haven't Been Taken Down Yet
"Mom, how those pumpkins there? Her not have Christmas? It's not snowy yet? That a scary pumpkin? That a Christmas pumpkin?"

How to Eat a Candy Cane Like a Human
*Receives candy cane from parent: wrapper is open with an acceptable amount of candy revealed, allowing the rest of the wrapper to suffice as a handle preventing the spread of stickiness.
*Takes a few licks.
*Tries peeling the wrapper back.
*Wanders away from parent to not be caught peeling the remaining wrapper off. 
*Leaves pieces of sticky wrapper on carpet while licking EnTiRe length of the candy cane {which is only possible if switching hands with candy cane to access part where hand just was}.
*Touches everything possible. 
*Accidently ingests a fuzz ball that was transferred from sticky palm to sticky cane. 
*Sets disgusting, hairy candy cane down {most likely on dad's favorite seat on the couch} to work on retrieving the fuzz ball. 
*Parent responds to the sounds of attempted hair ball removal. 
*Unanswerable questions asked regarding the state of the candy cane while fuzz ball fishing occurs. 
*3-year old breaks candy cane while trying to uncement it from its resting place. 
*Melt down commences over broken candy cane...
*Approximately 27 minutes of power play, time outs, tears, scrubbing, lecturing, lost tempers, and candy cane disposal {after approximately 2.5 minutes of candy cane enjoyment}

Secret-Keeping Skills
Toddler: "Daddy! We got surprise astronauts for you!!!" 
Dad: "What?"
Mom: "Buddy, that's a surprise for daddy. Don't tell him about it!"
Toddler: whispering into dad's ear with his hot little breath {while eyeing mom from the corner of his eye} "Daddy... We got surprise astronauts for you..."

Other People Opening Presents
"But where my presents at??? How it not Christmas time for me too? It not snowy? It's IS Christmas time for me! Those my presents!!! How he opening presents? NO!!! I want it to be PRESENT TIME FOR ME!!!!...{public meltdown ensues ensuring all strangers assume this brat comes from a materialistic family} 

The Astonishing Nativity
"Look at that tiny barn! That Jesus barn? How Jesus that baby? No! Babies don't sleep in barns! How there angels? They say {deep voice attempt} "Don't be 'fraid"! Jesus is God. God is the boss? He a good boss."