Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Stomach Payne

I’m working on my belly.

It’s bigger than i’m used to it being. I have to make a conscious choice when getting dressed whether to let it gently spill over the waist of my pants or to pull the waist up high enough to conceal it...

It’s a whole thing.

It’s not that i lack muscle. I’m still working out and building strength {at least enough to continually haul a continually growing Payne up the hill to the bus stop and home each school day}. The muscles are just hanging out underneath the layer of subcutaneous fat and loose skin that’s hanging out after bearing a few babies and gaining a few years.

It’s not that i’m unhealthy. The insurance companies charts say i’m “ok”... so that’s a relief. And i eat when i’m hungry {when i remember}, enjoy what i eat {when i tune in}, stop when i’m satisfied and hit the water consumption hard {i just pee all the time people... it’s ok}. My blood pressure is brag-worthy... but so is my humility so i’m balanced.

I’m just SO ready to do something about this body of mine... something totally out of the box... something my many years of study and work in the fitness and sport fields has lead me to {yet not prepared me for}...

I’m going to honor it.

I’m going to stop measuring it against outsiders
and comparing it against the younger person who carried it.

I’m going to truly believe my husband’s actual compliments
instead of worrying about strangers’ imagined impressions.

I’m going to refuse to continuously suck it in...
if my subconscious insecurities can chill out when i’m not paying attention.

I’m going to cease berating myself for enjoying a handful of coffee nut m&m’s that i “didn’t need”, as well as suggesting silently to my mirror that if i tried one of the current intense diets i could lose these inches.

Sure i’m nervous. What if i’m committing to something that i will fail at... Yet i’m even more motivated because my Maverick showed me what my dumb insecurity must look like to those close enough to catch it.

Let me recreate the scenario for you...

Maverick is 5 years old and coming up on the completion of Kindergarten. Since there’s not any snow presently falling, he sees no need to wear a shirt. This is often and awesomely complimented by a Buff {headband-type thing for those of you who aren’t campy} worn around his head or chin and a weapon of some sort. Consider the normal scene set. Now imagine watching him walk, and talk, and play, and talk, and eat, and talk, and draw, and talk, etc all while sucking in his belly so deeply he resembles a parenthesis. After noticing him do this consistently for a couple days, i finally got him to explain why he was sucking in so oddly {which was much harder than it should have been with the amount of talking which was happening throughout those days}.

“I’m embarrassed of my tummy.”

That’s what he said. He looked down at the floor and used a small {for Maverick} voice that communicated shame and claimed his tiny, round tummy wasn’t ok. While i knelt next to him and spoke words that i meant with my whole heart... I couldn’t help but notice the hypocrisy they rang with...

“Your tummy is just fine! I love how God has made you! That round tummy means that we are blessed with enough food to keep you growing! We should be so thankful for round tummies! This is what a healthy tummy looks like! It’s not supposed to go backwards like that!

Everyone is made differently and you are healthy, so don’t worry about what your tummy looks like, ok?”

It has to stop. I have to stop. I can’t give others that which i have not received myself.

And i have a sinking suspicion that the same accuser who is whispering the lie of body shame and insecurity into the ears of my bright and strong, growing boy is the same author of the accusations i am guilty of rehearsing against my own gift of a body.

So here i go... jumping timidly into a new day of embracing the body i have been given just a step deeper than i have before.
Making new habits of:
Choosing Truth from the Word over my flittering feelings
Rebutting the tired thoughts of harshness or lies
Calling out the strength and beauty i see even more brashly
Battling the lies from the billboards and filtered social pressures
Claiming the worth i believe i was assigned by the God i believe is infallible
Accepting the compliments of others even more deeply
Excusing myself from some of the competition the world will continue to chase
Admitting when i’m struggling to do this and

Inviting anyone who wants to come along...