Sunday, December 15, 2013

Payne-full Struggle...

Tonight I struggle...

i have a few theories which might explain why I cried on the phone to my dad...

The Stomach Bug...
i can't handle when my kids all get sick. It always hits at 10 PM or later. No one over the age of 20 is getting any sleep.  It's so contagious. I rehearse the people who we exposed unknowingly that day. Clorox wipes are expensive, but I use them by the fistful. The agony of not being able to help your child feel better is unbearable. Also I have no clue how to mother after a night of vomiting every hour... Seriously. I'm throw-up hung over and my babies still want fed and changed and dressed all day... What's up with that? 

Day 3 Without Caffeine...
It had to happen. The stomach thing was just a good excuse. But I've heard that caffeine is a mild antidepressant and my children may vote to put me on something less "mild" after seeing my moods lately...

My House Looks Like This...
AfTeR tidying up... I'm serious. I tidied a little. This is the upstairs. I honestly don't know what the basement looks like. I do know I didn't put away the boxes the Christmas decorations were in... I do know the toy room is down there... I do know that I've chucked things over our half-door that belong not up stairs... Like I said, I "tidied up"... 

My High Expectations...
This week was the school play (which Hannah had a role in), and Mic's 6th birthday, and the release of the second Hobbit movie. After a meal out with the older two and a magical Christmas play on Thursday, my Friday was going to consist of a coffee date with dear friend, a school lunch surprise (including the balloon Mic requested 3 months ago), an afternoon showing of the Hobbit with my husband and another dear friend, and complete with celebrating Mic with BBQ chicken, soft pretzels & a new Harlem Shake production... Then I was going to wake up Saturday to a quick workout and party prep until we had a perfect ninja party full of fun and laughing and no one being maimed with plastic swords... So I had a high fall when the stomach flu hit.

The Browns...
It's hard being born and bred to support Cleveland sports... 

Running...
It's been over a week since I ran. I know I'm crazy, but this seriously is bad news for my mental health...

The Pressure...
There's one week left before Christmas break. One week to finish gift gathering, go carrolling, finish wrapping, have a Christmas tea, do some random acts of kindness, host 2 Christmas parties, help at school parties, pack for traveling... All of this while I look at my house & choose to sit and blog... Because that's all I have the energy for...

Two 1-Year Olds...
It's tough. I'm not the only mom to have multiple babies to care for, nor am I the best mom to do so... But it's hard. Maverick is good and healthy and into everything at full speed. Theo is sick... again... Who knows if the diarrhea is from a stomach bug or the month of antibiotics? That kid spits up way too much to know if he too has the flu. How do I tell if his glassy eyes are worrisome or just a side effect of his vaccine? Is his low-grade temp from discontinuing the antibiotic? Or from his little respiratory gunk? Or the infection returning? Sigh. I love all my kids. I can't imagine life without each of them... And days like today I don't allow myself to imagine life without as much crying, snot, spit up, diapers, screaming, meds, messes, teeth, bottles... They need so much, and today, I feel like I don't have enough to give...

Those are some of my theories...
Nothing life-altering (like a preemie baby, loss of family, a house fire, a job loss, starvation, war)... Just a hard weekend. They happen. I need to let my expectations go. I am thankful for many things these few days... Brice (who cares for me and our kids so well), we made it to the play, we had the party (& it was a ninja success), we have four children, we have a house and lots of stuff to fill it, I have good friends and family who care and pray for us... Many good things. But these things don't make my struggle less. Sometimes it's just hard. 
I'm not generically glad it's Christmas time... I'm sincerely gratefully that in the midst of a very crappy weekend (literally) that God is with me. When I'm struggling with just daily life, He's my strength in the minute. When I'm sick, He brings hope for healing. When I'm grumpy, He's the grace to ask forgiveness... He's God and He's here. In the middle of my life... and  I hope He's in the middle of whatever you're in the middle of this season too.