Saturday, July 19, 2014

R.E.S.P.E.C.T...

Find out what it means to me...

Respect means not always having to be right...
Keeping a marriage intact demands entertaining the idea that sometimes I'm wrong. While I don't actually find this to be entertaining, it is often true. I do not try to be wrong, or enjoy being wrong (at all), or even think I'm wrong... regardless, I am not perfect. Interacting from the stance that my opinions, ways of doing things, preferences, thoughts, memories, etc are more correct, increasingly true, absolute, refined and more in line with reality in all circumstances is wrong and disrespectful (and ridiculous when spelled out). 

Respect means trusting his driving...
My husband had been deemed by the state of Ohio as capable of operating a motor vehicle four years previous to us entering wedlock (yes mathematicians, we were THAT young). I trust his eye sight, I trust his judgement, I trust his reflexes, I trust his desire to avoid firey, multi-car wrecks. To this day I'm unaware of any car accidents that were successfully prevented by aggressive arm-rest squeezing & deep inhales from the shotgun seat of the car. With these realities in mind, I can choose trust instead of fear. In a car, the passenger is completely out of control, but God is still in control. Praying (silently is preferable), taking a deep (also silent) breath, and coming to grips with the fact that I am powerless frees me to be respectful.  

Respect means not speaking to or about him as if he were a child...
It's not funny to demean someone. A spouse's words have incredible weight. If I am hurt or sad or frustrated or afraid or have unmet expectations... then I need to talk about those feelings like a grown up. Maybe he won't listen. Maybe nothing will change. Maybe I have past evidence that leads me to forecast those results. It's still the only way to continue to show up in marriage. Giving another chance to hear. It's not my choice whether or not someone else listens, and it is painful when they don't, but we must keep opening the door because we swore "I will". Treating my husband like the man I know he can be frees him to be that man. Stay strong in this.

Respect means acknowledging his fashion preferences...
This is easier for me than for you. I apparently married the world's most fashion-forward man ever. I seriously thought he was joking when he announced in 2003 that he was going to "bring vests back"... eight years later Justin Timberlake caught on. It was after my name changed to his that I realized that sit-coms and fashion magazines had lied. Men do care. They have a style they like and are working towards that look. They consider their appearance more than they ever let on to non-spouse people. Sure, some of your men may be aiming for the "comfort or death" fashion statement, but it's still their look. What I find attractive on my husband does play a role in how he dresses, but it's not supposed to be the main source for what he wears. Encourage and compliment when he looks good. Nagging or laying out his clothes or pointing out stains in public are things that a mother (if anyone) should do... 

Respect means refusing to use the words "never" or "always" during fights...
I always do this. I'm relatively easy going until I'm not. Then I'm the most crushed or furious that anyone has ever been ever. Saying that he "never" considers how I feel, or that he "always" treats me like a jerk just nullifies any time that he has or hasn't (yeah... that sentence happened... remember when I told you I wasn't a real writer?). This is both mean to do and opens up an endless number of bunny trails which we can now follow screaming at each other the whole way down. The hard truth is that my tendency to over-emphasize the current issue is caused by my emotional constipation. It's evidence of the "record of wrongs" that I've been mentally composing (even though I vowed not to keep one). When I don't say "that hurt my feelings" immediately when my feelings are hurt, there's a good chance that emotional diarrhea will occur later. And that just stinks. (You're welcome.) 

Respect means choosing not to constantly correct him...
We've all witnessed this happen before. A couple is trying to tell a story, but before anyone can get to the point, they're arguing relatively vigorously about whether the day was Tuesday or Friday or the car was dark green or regular green or if it was on Ellen or The Doctors... Or whatever. I apologize for you having to see us do that right in front of you... When this happens the information trying to be conveyed is completely lost in the arsenal of facts of how each person is certain they are right. Let's not do that. That's no fun. Even if you are absolutely sure they are wrong, if it's not vital to the story, let it go. If it is vital to the story and must be shared, progress with caution. Memory is a strange thing. A false memory is as powerful as a true memory. So discuss it with the knowledge that the other person is just as convinced they're right, and you have as good of a chance of being wrong. Now if I could stop interrupting him completely because I simply love to talk and get so excited, then I'd be in good shape...

Respect means refusing to nag...
I thought I would NEVER nag my husband. I knew that was the biggest relationship complaint of men everywhere, and my demented need to strive for perfection at anything I tried meant I couldn't be a nag. When he didn't do what he said he would do, I would simply remind him of what he said. If I didn't see him trying hard, I would innocently recite all the reasons it was important for us. If I even imagined that he might not remember to do what he said he would do, I would make sure to repeat it again. That's helpful, right?! Nagging comes from fear. In a marriage you are dependent on another person and the thought that they will drop the ball is terrifying. This is the practical playground of the biblical concept of marriage roles. The Bible calls both marriage partners to submit to God, then calls the husband to love his wife and the wife to submit to the husband. (I'm having IBS just thinking about the reaction some of you are having at that word but it's in Ephesians 5:21-28 so I used it here.) Practically this means trusting God with the consequences of me trusting my husband. I'm responsible to show respect by not nagging him, he's responsible to God for our family. I can't explain the freedom that came from recognizing that my husband's follow-thru was not my concern. I hope you'll experience it for yourself. 

The best "respect advice" came from my BFF within the first 2 years of my marriage. I was struggling with how to respect my husband when I didn't think he was making respect-deserving decisions. I was lost in the looking-for-a-loop-hole thinking and stated "I don't even know how to respect him!" She causally replied "It's the same as respecting your parents." This was not very clear to me, so I exclaimed "But I HAD to respect my parents because of the position they held in my life, not the choices they made!" I think at that point crickets chirped and she said "Yep." 

Please don't misunderstand, marriage is dependent on honest communication. I'm not suggesting that you, too, burden yourself with emotional and mental constipation by stuffing your feelings and opinions. I'm suggesting that if you vowed before the God of the Bible that you would take him as your husband, then he has a position worthy of your respect. Handle the issues that annoy you, aggrevate you, hurt you, terrify you, and confuse you with respect and a deeper relationship can develop. 

Note to that un-wed reader: 
If the person you are dating or engaged to or will be someday does not make decisions that you can respect, end the relationship. If you don't trust their driving ability, end the relationship. If you hate their fashion sense, end the relationship. If you are convinced they are always wrong and can't remember any details, end the relationship. If you feel like they need you in order to survive their daily routine, end the relationship. Basically, choose a respectable person who you personally can show daily, practical respect to. Learning how to do it after saying "I do" is painful. Not learning usually results in the end of the relationship eventually.

Respect to me means the ability to empower the man I married to be who he was created to be... and I truly want to be that kind of wife.


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