Leaving what's beloved and secure and spacious for the unknown city that we are discovering our love for. It's an adventure. It's exhilarating. It's breaking my heart. And it is happening.
But peace is happening, too. Calm and flowing into all the space where worry has grown my entire existence. It's consistent in this change. It's stable through the doubt. It's present when the tears fall. It's definitely from God, Himself, as it surpasses my understanding and exists beyond my ability to feel peaceful.
It's so other, that I almost feel like I'm only conducting an experiment. As if I woke up and said "What if I tried NOT worrying?" Like, still sold a house, and bought a house, and raised support, and boxed a 6-person family up, and had Brice travel for a few months, and cried and cried and cried over good-byes, and did all the paperwork, and gave homeschool a shot... But did it without stressing in my mind.
I have no answers as to the "how" or even "when" this will all work out. I don't know what it will look like or feel like. But the truth keeps speaking to my ears "this is beyond your control, and that's ok." So I stay still. I know that He IS God. I wait for Him to make Himself known among the nations. I watch His Holy Spirit do this in and through me. His thing in His way in His timing.
I'm not even sure why I'm able to test the "peace instead of worry" theory at this time. Maybe it's the history that proves God's presence through past, stress-filled moves. Maybe it's the "Breaking Free" Bible study that has proven my worry to be a cancer in my being. Maybe it's the practice in having no real control over the daily functions of my two 2-year olds that constantly provides opportunities to decide between peace or stress... Maybe...
Yet He presses deeper. Removing my denial little by little so trust can grow. This IS happening. This IS sad. This IS exciting. This IS of Him. And if nothing else, this is showing me that peace CAN be real... And surely that is worth it all and more.
Consider this your invitation to join the experiment. "Peace I leave with. My peace I give. I do not give as the world gives. Do not allow your heart to be troubled or fearful." ~ Jesus (John 14:27)
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