Things moms can get away with...

Asking other humans about the specifics of their bowel and bladder happenings...

"Do you have to poop? Or just pee?"

"Did you wipe?"

"Who farted?"

"Do you have to go bad enough to pee on the side of this road?"

"Who didn't flush?!?"

"Have you tried pooping? It might cure your current ailment."

Singing in public...

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands! Even if you're grocery shopping, you don't care. Your voice is out of tune, you're in the walmart restroom... If you're happy and you know it sing out loud!

Smelling weird things on purpose...

Butts, shoes, milk, armpits, dirty clothes, lunch meat (multiple times), mystery spills, breath, car seats, anonymous brown substances, wounds, cloth diapers out of the dryer...

Making up universal laws on the spot...

... "That's why toothbrushes do not belong near rear ends."

... "That's why toenails should never be allowed to grow that long."

... "That's why you don't throw pepper!"

... "That's why you shouldn't lick the table."

... "That's why pogo sticks aren't allowed up there."

Squirreling away mobile food stores...

At any given place or time I could feed 4 children for a day. 3 days if I have access to my van. For a day and a half the menu would even be surprisingly balanced. Granola bars, fruit strips, breakfast bars, peanut butter crackers, jerky, dried cranberries, skittles, fruit snacks, cereal... Add to that the sandwiches, apples, and frozen yogurt tubes I threw into my purse for that day's lunch... And remember the sippy cups galore (some in the early stages of cheese making...) and that's an unacceptable amount of food to have on a person!!!

Complaining about staying home...

It is way more challenging than we imagined when still in the public work force. The lack of deadlines to motivate procrastinators. The void of acknowledgement to itch egos. Gone are the time clocks where "off duty" is an option. How easy it is to spiral into focusing on the emotional toll bringing up tiny humans demands. But there is more than these... There is NO dress code! No meetings to plan meetings. No corporate run around. No public, too small refrigerators. No office drama... And deeper still... There are those lives. The ones still fully controlled by their limited understanding and unlimited selfishness. There is love discovered and sacrificed deeply for. There are the moments we see that we will cherish in our hearts onward and upward. An environment that wears away our selfishness and self-dependence... where a more true self and home and work can be discovered... Where my weakness leads me to call out for a strength from a God who is concerned with my monotonous daily grind. In our expression of the hardships may we not stop short of recognizing the joy and privilege the momentary title of "stay-at-home" awards us. 

9... Going on 18

We're halfway there. You entered this world nine years ago, and nine years from now you'll be entering college or a licensing program or the work force or mission field... If the Lord wills, of course. 

i can't help but feel a pressure. This age. Your listening ears. That giant heart... You have an incredible thought process that hasn't yet ruled me out as a fool. You want to learn and [if just for this moment] you listen to me. But how can i tell you all the important things? How can I saturate your mind full enough of Truth and wisdom to survive a possible mother-daughter teenage relational drought?

What is it right now that your formative self most needs to hear and learn and know... ?

You were created. 

There is a God, who in His perfection, dreamed you up and made you come true. And He is still creating you. It is He alone who defines beauty. Refuse to compare all the different flowers in His bouquet... for it is their differences that compound the beauty. Hear from your Creator daily in order to be brave enough to open your mind to His idea of beautiful. 

Your value differs from your purpose. 

You are valuable because you're one of God's dreams come true. That is already established. Embracing that God-given value will empower you to work hard at your purpose. Knowing God and making Him known. This means hard work, serving others, dying to your own wants and feelings in exchange for those of Jesus. Don't get this confused. You don't need to serve or work or "succeed" in order to have value, you can serve and work and succeed because you are valuable. Know this even without the trophies for showing up...

You will be wrong. 

You will be so incredibly totally convinced you're right, but you will realize you were completely wrong. You will try something you expect to be gifted at and bomb. Failure happens. It's vital and not to be feared. Try again. Apologize to those you argued with. This is how you learn. This is where toxic pride can be stripped away. It doesn't feel good, but with the Right One walking with you, you will survive and thrive through it. 

... i'm getting too long winded...

Don't watch much TV. 

Play outside in all the weather. 

Get to know your neighbors. 

Smile at those you pass. 

Battle to save your kiss... It's worth it. 

Stand for what is right. 

Speak up for those who hurt. 

Chew slowly so you can taste your food longer. 

Life isn't about you. 

Avoid bikinis. 

Listen as much as you talk... with God and with people.

Give praise generously (Don't be a "story topper").

Feelings lie. Follow the Holy Spirit instead of your heart. 

Avoid caffeine dependence for as long as possible. 

Be (lovingly) honest even when it hurts. 

Don't aim for that which is easy.

Accept the consequences. 

Dont over-apologize...

Forgive freely. 

Love sacrifically. 

Don't trip near a boy who doesn't truly love Jesus... that fall will hurt...

Be you. Walk close with Jesus. Shine. 

Your life will be intense, painfull, thrilling and impactful. 

i'm incredibly excited to walk through the rest of it with you!

Broken

Sometimes you cry because so many people you love and so many you don't even know are hurting. 

And sometimes you lie on your living floor wetting a letter the dad wrote from prison with your tears, while four of his babies sleep in your house... On Father's Day.

The heart break is sometimes too big for tears when you think about the damage done in making orphans and the pain of loving them. 

And sometimes you have too many sisters with too many heartaches to know how to do anything more than keep showing up.

Sometimes you regret buying tissues from Aldi's because they can't handle adult tears.

And sometimes the parking lot to Panera Bread is just the right spot to sit in your van and cry before going in to buy your bagel. 

And sometimes you just don't want to wear the adorable pumpkin suit...

And sometimes your mind just spins at how you could possibly make a difference when every house on every street of this enormous city is full of hurt... And there's just so. many. cities on this globe...

And sometimes you fight with strength not your own to cling to words that aren't your voice saying "keep opening your door... keep sharing your food... Keep saying "hello" when you pass... Keep hugging... Keep inviting... Keep destroying your normal... Keep praying... Refuse to stop hoping."

... And keep crying... Because sometime is coming when your Savior will take enough time with His hand on your cheek to brush away each tear that has fallen here...

Dear Mother Martyr

Dear Kim...

Commit not to be deceived here. There are martyrs in this world, but for today, you are not one of them. You, my lovely self, are a mother... And there is a big difference. 

You are surrounded by life. The messes, the noise, the fullness, the constant. These are just what young life feels like. 

It is hard. It always has been. It is a job. Work hard. 

It is fun. There can be laughter. Memories are forged here. Play on purpose... Especially when you lack the energy to do so.

This is your stage... You have a small, select audience. Show up. Speak life.

This is your calling... Don't compare. God never ceases being good in His sovereignty. He wants you here.

This is a home... Not a jail. Stop coveting the freedom of "leaving". Your husband is going to work... It is not as glorious as you are imagining. This is simply a passing season.

This is the day the Lord has made. It is not the same as yesterday. Choose expectation. He will not disappoint. 

You are not alone... Those feelings are strong, but not true. You work beside a world of other life-givers. Cherish the moments your paths walk together. 

You are not failing... It's a fast from the god of accomplishment you've sacrificed to for far too much of your life. You just need to believe real, true world-changing, Kingdom work is being done in the diapers and dishes. Faith (perfected faith) is what He's after.

You are seen. Your faithfulness is in the attitude with which you meet this sticky repetition. You don't have to conjure up hope, Jesus walks with you and gives freely. He is the forgiveness you need for all the temper tantrums (your own and your children's). He's the strength and the song in the exhaustion. 

Death is nearer than the repetition of the everyday will allow you to see. "We are all just walking each other home" after all. Some will arrive there in this moment. Some will approach it so slow and steady the change from infancy to adulthood will seem strange and startling. 

This is just what it feels like. Don't lie down in drama. Choose a smile. Cry your tears. It's life. Give and maybe you'll just be astounded at what measure He pours out from this little self of mine. 

You are a mother, don't act like a martyr. 

Kindly,

Yourself...

Death by Repetition

We don't see them grow... That's the problem. We know they grow, but they look the same every (early) morning. 

So does our to-do list. 

So does our mess. 

The same activities making the same mess requiring the same (stinky) work. 

There's no deadline to motivate procrastinators. There's no clock out time to count down to. There's no measurable outcomes to mark off... 

Just a juggling routine on a tight rope with no audience. 

What's the right balance between no schedule chaos and over scheduled exhaustion? What's the sweet spot of alone play and being an active mom who makes memories? When is the right moment to intervene in sibling arguments? How much work outside the home verses in the home? What's the right schooling option for this family? How much responsibility is enough for all their ages?

What is the answer? We're all just making this up as we go...

The sheer amount of things that need done combines with the knowledge that you're just going to have to do them all over again, further fueled by the feeling that no one cares if it even gets done can make it very easy to spiral into parental depression... Losing sight of the vision of a unit of life and settling for surviving until the next benchmark. 

They are growing... We just can't see it. 

The repetition of our daily existence leads us to look at our ability to arrive somewhere on time as the utmost in success. That's something we can accomplish. That's something we have a goal and a plan and a deadline to meet. Except we just canNOT actually achieve this. We can not get all the socks and all the shoes on all the feet with all the zippers zipped all the way up with all the last minute poops taken with all the things packed in all the bags and all the bottoms in all the right seats with all the buckles clicked and all the traffic planned for to meet the deadline with success. Never. It doesn't happen. So we regularly feel like failures... As if the messes and bickerments and lost tempers weren't already chanting loudly enough in our ears... 

We don't see the big picture unless we fight to see the big picture. 

We need to heed the awed exclamation of the survivors of toddler years, and grade school growers, and teenage phase warriors... "It goes so fast". 

We need to battle to grasp the truth that the repetition tries to hide... They are growing... We just can't see it. 

We need to find a strength beyond our own to enable us to repeat the same action, and correction, and conversation, and instructions over and over and over with grace... Knowing that it's not lasting forever. 

We need to seek a rest in our weariness instead of seeking to avoid that which leads to weariness and forgiveness for all the times we fall... 

For if we do not fight these fights, we will have many years of repetitive longing... Longing for a moment to return to the repetition that we feel so very trapped in this moment... Longing for the benchmarks we wish to arrive now to have taken some more time... Regretting...

Instead, let's be so present, so real, so engaged in this time that we can let it pass with more peace. Not because we do it perfectly, but because we parent deeply. 

They are growing. This is changing. This is hard. But it's so very worth the repetitive battle to dwell presently in this time. This hard, sticky, trying, emotional, time... Believing what we aren't clearly seeing. 

Press on warriors. We are parents. And they are growing...

"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

Take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Lessons in Moving

It's not been a lack in housekeeping skills... It's been a presence of a social life. 

Having extra stuff is NOT convenient. Generousity is a blessing to both the giver and the receiver. 

God's beauty is everywhere. 

There are blessings that top the close proximity of Target... Like developing friendships through making the hour trek together. 

Some cities have secret rules about invisible lanes you can drive and park in... Cleveland is one of those cities. 

There can be woods in the city!

Regardless of whether on a 1 acre, creek possessing, country lot or a three car wide cement slab, my kids can make up awesome games to play outside. 

States have different landscaping styles. 

Porches are nice no matter what the scenery. 

Good churches are everywhere... But feeling at home at them takes time and vulnerability... Both which are hard to invest when you're missing people. 

Google maps is my friend. 

Investigating new coffee shops is super fun!

Not knowing where to go out to eat because there are so many choices doesn't actually feel much different than not knowing where to go because there's so few... Although ending up at many different places is fantastic!

Close proximity Starbucks is a threat to a budget. 

Metal detectors don't seem to phase new kids. 

There's a sweet moment when you walk into the building you've been working so hard to settle into and you think "I'm glad to be home." That moment is a blessing. 

Forging friendships with people who speak different languages feels awkward. 

More choices is harder...

"These kids here yell more and do sassy head movements." (Hannah's observation)

This world is not our home... It is ALL just temporary. 

What's The Thing?

What's the thing when you're a great mom when you're not around your kids?

What's the thing when you spend money and energy buying things for your kids to just fight with you about putting away?

What's the thing where you have a college education, but you skim through a library book your kid wants to borrow to make sure there aren't "too many words" to actually read?

What's the thing when thinking of what's for dinner becomes galaxtically harder than it ever should ever be allowed to be?

What's the thing when you find your offspring adorable and intriguing and incredible but spend the majority of your time with them calculating how much longer until they sleep again?

What's the thing where grocery shopping alone somehow became comparable to a vacation?

What's the thing where you can literally feel guilty about how your child eats, drinks, sleeps, talks, doesn't talk, poops, learns...?

What's the thing when you vigorously defend the thing you're only attempting as your best shot in the dark?

What's the thing where you're an actual grown up and yet you hide in the closet to eat chocolate because you don't want to share?

What's the thing when you bite your tongue while chewing and can't for the life of you figure out why you were ever chewing that hard?

What's the thing when the sound of your own child's cough makes you completely irritated?

What's the thing when you caNOT wait for date night, yet when the sitter actually shows up you can't formulate a single idea of what to do? 

What's the thing when you are awake and going by 7:17 AM, yet can't make it on-time to a 10:30 appointment?

What's the thing when you catch yourself yelling "stop screaming at each other!!!" at the top of your lungs?

Oh yeah... Parenthood. It brings out the selfishness, pride, shortcomings, and tendency to run late... No sin will remain hidden under layers of sleep-filled nights and clutter-free living. This job brings out all the junk we thought we had together among the land of the self-responsible humans. It's hard. We will mess up... But then there's always that thing... The thing where it says that if we "confess our sins He is faithful and just and will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness"!!! And that other thing that says that in [all] my weaknesses His strength will prove perfect... So let's chuckle a bit, apologize a lot, and keep living the example of forgiven weakness. 

...And let's tone it back on the chewing intensity, for Pete's sake.