Maybe It's Not Maybeline...

I have an ugly problem. 

I've struggled with it for pretty much as long as I can recall. There have been times in my life where it wasn't such a battle... Sometimes because it didn't feel so forcefully overwhelming... and other times because I stopped fighting, and allowed it to carry me wherever it willed. 

In the battleground of my mind and mirror I've bled in anguish and experienced victorious freedom. I've walked securely in that freedom that my Savior offers for years, only to have it rear its ugly head, and in an instant revert my mind and heart to my insecure fourteen year old self... Apparently she's still around. 

And apparently she's not overly impressed with the 32 year old version of herself. With my stomach that's been flatter, arms that have been stronger, eyes that were sharper, legs that used to run faster, hair that was blonder, skin that used to be clearer, mind that was smarter, smile that's been straighter... And when her criticisms showed up in my mind sounding like part of the "Mean Girls" script, but in my own voice, I was not prepared. 

See, I thought I had starved her to death. I revoked her regular diet of magazines and air-brushed-people watching, restricted her appetite for the constant comparison game, and got a new "tape" to play in my mind based on Truth. I had even learned to swallow the sweetness of compliments from honest loved ones... But she hadn't disappeared. 

She was just hiding. 

Hiding behind the thick "make-up" concealer of the right hair style, better fitting clothes, acquired make-up skills, clever responses, harder efforts, consistent workouts, well-behaved children, fashion advice, slightly impressive drum skills, handsome husband, edited selfies... Behind my shell of having it "all together"... 

A shell I don't even remember constructing.

 A wall that I fear to look behind, yet have no clue what I'm guarding. 

A blockade that stops true intimacy, even with the God who created my deepest parts...

It was my seeking Jesus for that deeper closeness that loosed the ugly issues I had been concealing. God does answer our questions, be sure of that. It was the gentle hand of my loving Savior that removed my ability to ignore that deep down in my core I still clung to the perception that I am ugly. Physically: ugly. Emotionally: crazy. Skillfully: inept. Practically: annoying. 

I don't yet have clarity as to why I would cling to these assumptions. Possibly as a self-depricating defense against the chance that others found me this way... But there I was, staring in a mirror, seeing ugly, hearing Jesus call me "wonderfully created", and not knowing how to reconcile these. I prayed. I cried. I shared with close friends. I studied His Word... But the same passages I'd highlighted on my journey to past freedom just added to the question "why am I back in this pit?"

God still speaks. It wasn't Isaiah 43:4 calling me precious & loved. It wasn't Psalm 139 telling me I am hand-crafted wonderfully. It wasn't Romans 8:35-39 stating that nothing can seperate me from God's love... Although those are all amazing truths. It was Philippians 1:6 that God used to whisper to my warring heart "be confident that I WILL complete this work in you that I started."

Confidence. 

Not in myself...

Not in my appearance...

Not in my mirror...

In Jesus.

He is faithful. He is true. He is working in me...

So I'm planting that seed of Truth deep in the dark recesses of my heart. I'm not just swallowing it down lightly to feel better momentarily, but truly letting it do battle with what I fear so much. It's scary. It's hard. Yet I'm convinced there will be a harvest of true freedom and beauty that is worth more than the fight can hurt. 

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

The Tale of One Day...

Valentines day... Oh the sweetness of our February 14th... It went something like this:

I woke up to a Hannah-made card next to a surprise breakfast of cold toast & an apple (she gets her culinary expertise from her mom). So adorable. Since it was a snow day, the kids who are capable of dressing themselves, played in the almost two-feet of snow. Then inside for hot cocoa and a valentine card scavenger hunt (what else do you do when you have 42 valentines laying around?!?) After lunch we FaceTimed with family and took naps... At least that's what I assumed happen since I woke up in a puddle of drool and it was 1 hour and 37 minutes later than when I entered my bedroom... The afternoon held festivities such as making "Fuzz Bugs" out of pom-poms and mustaches (thanks Nana), 

heart-shaped pizza, 

and heart banana cakes! 

We finished off the day with a Valentine's dance (with a play-list sporting Cupid Shuffle and the Chicken Dance) and by flipping over the last few love note hearts on their door. 

This day seriously happened. I know you hardly believe me. That's why I posted so much photographic evidence. 

But so did this day...

On Valentines Day it was ReaLLy snowy. So there was a snow day. That meant feeding actual breakfast to 2 more mouths than intended while I tried to get myself and Theo ready for an 8:15 AM appointment. While locking Theo up in his car seat, I investigated the draftiness to find the door to the basement wide open. My mom math skills quickly deduced that it had been open for roughly 20 hours... since the time the previous day when Hannah and Mic were instructed to come in through that door after playing outside. Enter a minor panic attack over our next gas bill. The snow drifts were obviously too high behind my car, so I strapped Theo's seat into Brice's Subaru, and after multiple attempts made it out of our driveway 15 minutes late. 

It wasn't on the snowy roads, or even the icy hike into the office, no, I made it all the way to the check-in desk before I realized that I packed the wrong kid. Yes. The wrong kid. It was an appointment for Maverick, Theo was who I brought. This is funny when you're not kicking yourself while trying to figure out how you're now going to make it to the new appointment on a weekday when there are already three appointments on the calendar... Oye. 

Over the next few hours I broke up, participated in, or ignored bickerments pertaining to socks, valentines, scavenger hunts, spelling, cheese burritos, naps, Cupid, teeth brushing, Shaun the Sheep, snow day homework, googly eyes, & gloves... To name a few. Nap time came to an abrupt end with 1 screaming baby, 2 poopy diapers and 4 kids wanting snacks. It was like the morning all over again... 

The real fun begins (as it always does) when I attempted to prepare dinner. I got the older two distracted with the "Fuzz Bug" craft and was beginning to make pizza dough. Between the time I poured the water and was measuring out the flour, Maverick woke up, sat on the potty, got up from the potty, peed on the floor, sat back on the potty (for a reminder of where tinkle is supposed to go), got up from the potty, and had diarrhea on the carpet... Yum. This whole scenario can be enriched by imaging the older two pestering me to help them glue the antennas on the "Fuzz Bugs" and complaining about how it smells. By the time I got everything cleaned, scrubbed, and sanitized (& diapered), I realized I had no clue how much flour I had already added to the dough! Good thing I'm such a natural in the kitchen, because I just guessed. 

I know what you're thinking... "Praise The Lord she didn't provide photographic evidence of THAT part of her day!" You're welcome. 

It was just a day. It was amazing and terrible. It was low and it was high. It was the best and the worst... All within the same 3 minutes. I laughed and danced and played and baked and taught... And I cried and yelled and prayed and begged and sent S.O.S. texts to Brice at work... I cursed having four children, and I cherished moments with each of their deep eyes and contagious smiles. It's the good and the bad that we vowed. It's just how days go. 

We could choose to hope for only the amazing and expect nothing but Pinterest perfect results... And we would be dramatically disappointed and frustrated. We could choose to focus only on the stress and fights and our total lack of control over our days... And we would be tragically embittered with even more of the same. Or we can dance to the beat and roll with the punches. We can cry out in frustration, apologize after our parental temper tantrums, join in the imagining, and giggle uncontrollably (like a 6-year old boy upon the realization that "tutor" is another word for "teacher")... Maybe we can just strive to savor the sweet moments, react rightly in the unexpected, and have grace in the repetition. Sounds a lot like love...

So I guess it was a very fitting way to spend Valentines Day.

Character Profile:

Special Agent: Mic

Known Aliases: Buster, Biggy, Micker Man, Mic-smaster, pickle-man, brother-man...

Super Powers: 

- Creation: can make anything with crayons, pens, markers, clay, or Legos.

- The Super Sniffer: can detect a smelly diaper, secretly consumed piece of chocolate, homemade bread before it's being baked, coffee breath, or silent release of gas at incredible distance, speed, and accuracy.

- Truth Telling: if he has an opinion it will not be withheld. This is a benefit to his character, but a slight hindrance to his attempts at covert information handling.

- A Single Dimple: reports have come back that, even though it lacks a pair, his dimple is extremely charming and can work in his favor when seeking a "yes" answer. 

- Power Belching: he has worked long and hard to perfect an enormous, deep, burp from the gut that makes parental figures think they may need to grab a bucket... He claims an inability to help it. Either way it's an impressive release of gas from a miniature man.

- Sweet Words: pairing his tenacity for truth telling with his generous compliment giving is a heart-melting combo. He loves to build others up verbally and often adds a "hold you me" hug to really make his point. 

- De-Strangerification: WARNING! This agent does not know a stranger! He notices and makes friends out of people who are in his immediate environment. Check out clerks, passengers on the same plane, other children at the store, cafeteria workers... It's rumored he gets this ability from his Papa. 

Future Plans:

- Build Robots: Mic is working towards a career in construction... And if that could be the construction of robotic life that would be the coolest. Ever.

- Visit Mike and Moses in Thailand: He communicates with and prays for two boys on the other side of this world. He is determined to go meet them one day that they might play together with the cars & cards he has sent them. 

- Fly on Airplanes. Often: Fellow passengers beware. He will not let you sleep through your trip. He will make friends with you. If you are slightly uncomfortable with air travel, I hope you get to sit next to him. 

- Be a Daddy: This super hero agent hopes to leave future heroes in his wake. Early reports show this to be a favorable impact on this world. 

We look forward to keeping a watch on this guy. 

Let me count the ways you love me...

- you special order my chocolate covered strawberry blizzard with cone dip instead of chocolate chunks even though DQ's drive-thru speaker is the worst...

- you haul the trash can up our steep driveway in the dark every Monday night...

- you still watch sequel movies with me even though I'm incapable of remembering what happened in the previous movie or who the actors are...

- you work out with me...

- sometimes you lay on my side of the bed before I get in it so it's already warm...

- you interrupt my craziness with a real kiss...

- you always have to show me anything that makes you laugh so I can laugh too... 

- you wrote this on our mirror: 

- you rub my feet even though it ruins your thumbs...

- you work hard in the office then come home & serve & love & work & parent & play hard...

- you still read my blogs even though I continuously use amphersands...

- you value my input...

- you (now) always squish the milk container as soon as you empty it because I complained once about having to squish it after the milk remnants already smelled sour...

- you help me break overwhelming projects & scenarios into manageable steps when I'm freaking out...

- you fight with me...

- you don't think of me or treat me as irrational... Even though there are times I act irrationally...

- you'll listen to problems I have that you can't fix, and hug me when I hurt and you can't make it stop...

- you brag about me...

- you go to the grocery store for me so I don't have to drag kids with me even though you feel like it's an alien planet...

- you do the budget with me...

- you hulk out when my feelings get hurt, but don't react out of anger...

- you like to hear me sing...

- you refuse to let me settle for sitting next to each other while we escape seperately to Facebook or games as quality down time... 

- you take pictures of me...

- you attempt to surprise me...

- you answer honestly... Every time...

- you miss me when we're apart...

- you always plunge the toilets so I don't have to...

- you support my running habit...

- you bring me tasty coffees...

- you maintain both of our vehicles...

- you discuss spending with me before you buy things...

- you landscape our yard...

- you chop the onions so I don't have to get all weepy in the kitchen (& you cut them into tiny pieces for the salsa since that's how I prefer them)...

- you give me your opinion...

- you buy me things when I won't spend money on myself...

- you teach me... lots of stuff...

- you recognize how God is using me... And make sure I hear it too...

- you dye my hair...

- you apologize and mean it...

- you intentionally check in with me on how "we are doing"...

- you strive to live a life totally surrendered to the Holy Spirit and allow me a front row seat to see who He's transforming you into...

- you have have my portrait tattooed across your back... Just kidding. (He really doesn't.)

- you will be adorably embarrassed that I posted this...

... But you need to know how well you love me. I. Am. Blessed. 

To all readers who are not my husband... 

I used to have a  different list. 

I started it in one of the darkest points in our marriage... It was a list of things I love about Brice. Maybe it was a suggestion from a session of marriage counseling, or from a marriage book I read, or maybe a simple prompting from the Holy Spirit... I don't recall why I started it. But I would add something to the list in the moments when my heart was most craving the fantasy of escape... When the temptation to dream of how much better another circumstance that I was not in would wage war on my mind... When I couldn't come up with something to write, I would simply read it... God held us together. And He grew my list. 

This is not that list. 

Brice asked me how he could love me. That is a perfect question. But I no longer have a huge list of answers ready on the tip of my tongue (like I would've ten or six years ago). God has used our messy marriage to remove my desire for my husband to do my Savior's job. God has filled my heart with Himself and my husband is my favorite icing on top... And he apparently doesn't realize how good he is at loving me...

Do not use this to fuel your fantasy list for your spouse. Don't start imagining that our marriage is perfect. Just know that God can hold you right where you are. He can use the circumstance you're in, the pain you feel, the battle you're fighting. Hear me that we are not perfect... But our God is. Follow Him closely as He transforms your marriage, or singleness, by transforming your heart to reflect His own. Be inspired by my list, then go start your own...

Crazy Payne

i've figured it out!!! It suddenly makes sense!

It only took 1 sick day, 1 crazy saturday involving 2 separate sets of babysitting duos, 1 federal holiday celebrating a brave hero, 3 snow days (and counting), 2 school agers, 2 1.5-year olds, 43 dirty diapers, 13 minutes of "everyone's napping at the same time", and 0 trips out of the house in the past 5 days... but it's all coming together!

i figured out why parents are always going crazy!!!

i'm being serious here. i've developed a theory and i'm fairly certain this will be widely accepted. follow me down this rabbit hole...

My dad taught me that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different outcome... Read that again... It's the definition of parenting!!!! Eureka!!! It all makes sense!

We really ARE going crazy... or actually we have already arrived at crazy!!!

This realization hit me as i sat on the bathroom floor reading the same book to my super potty-trainer for the 12th time in 3 hours. i tried to remind myself to be present... To notice his cold feet and how he always insists on setting them on top of my feet... To force myself to count the dogs in the number book and enjoy the panting noises he makes every time he sees a dog... To use the silly voices... To act surprised that the turkey dives in the pool with his clothes on... i sought to soak him up. This was a battle, as every fiber in my being was just wanting to be done with the bathroom floor and the tired books and the potty cheers and wiping up poop from multiple surfaces and the "ca-ca" whispers that always come as soon as i finally get the diaper and pants back on him...

This time around i have perspective in my mom tool belt and the Holy Spirit helps me pull it out in these moments. He won't always need me to sit with him while he empties his bladder. i need not be sad at that thought... In fact i WILL celebrate that moment. But i need not worry... i just need to keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over again... then i need to do it 317 more times... and somewhere in all of that, things will change. Most likely i will be so wrapped up in other repetitions and repeating myself and new parenting chants that i won't even realize the very moment of change... but it will come.

Just like the crazy came so suddenly with parenting.

i'm hoping this realization will help me let go of my expectation to dwell anywhere other than crazy. After all, it's of no benefit to my kids to always hear "you're driving me crazy!!!"... especially murmured after they simply behave like the kids they are. Now that i've not-so-scientifically figured out why i feel so crazy, i'm going to soldier on making bottles, changing diapers, cleaning messes, reheating my coffee, "cooking" food, telling stories, listening, breathing, kissing, repeating... i officially take back the keys to this crazy train... i'm driving myself here, so i might as well enjoy the trip.

To The Heroes

I salute you. Not for the love you have for your child or parent or patient... For that is more natural. 

I salute you for the...

- medicines you measure

- tubes you rinse

- connections you check

- bags you fill

- sticky clothes you wear from meds coming back at you

- diapers you buy and change and dispose of

- metric ton of wipes you go through

- appointments you keep 

- ointments you apply

- alarms you answer and reset

- supplies you order (hopefully before you've completely run out over Christmas weekend)

- teeth you brush

- bottoms you clean

- prescriptions you refill

- therapy sessions you attend and the exercises you do at home

- bodily fluids you deal with

- sheets you change in the middle of sleeping hours

- levels you test

- numbers you hope for

- stairs and entrances and curbs you traverse

- bathroom stalls you have to use but don't fit into

- miles you drive to specialists

- temperatures you've taken

- bowel movements you've witnessed from an undesired front row seat

- nails you clip and the scratches from not clipping them soon enough

- hand soap and sanitizer you've blazed through

- Clorox you've scrubbed with

- gauze you stock up on

- sites you've managed

- infections you've fought off

- rashes you've investigated

- meals you mix or purée or balance

- muscles you move that aren't in your own body

- many hours you've spent writing down instructions for the short time you try to leave them with someone else 

- syringes you've come to prefer

- breathing treatments you sit (or wrestle) through

- antibiotics you try super hard to remember to add to the medicine routine

- chapped cheeks you battle

- snot you aspirate with a bulb syringe

- constipation meds you administer and the diarrhea you deal with when they work

- massages you attempt even though you have no clue if you're doing then correctly or if it actually helps

- buckles you fasten and unfasten

- helmets you've adjusted

- straps you lengthen and shorten regularly

- parts to specialized cups you hand wash

- bandages you change

- for your daily life...

I have spent a fleeting year where many of you spend a lifetime... and I am in awe

- of your patience

- of your love

- of your steadfastness 

- of your gentle hands

- of your tired hearts

- of your long suffering

- of you...

Not because you're perfect. Not because you never lose it. Not because you're constantly cheerful. But because you get up and love every single moment of every single day. Do not give up. That child, parent, spouse, patient is worth it and there is a God who promises the weary rest, the weak strength, the burdened relief, the mourner comfort... 

And we're standing with you too. Saluting you. 

2014 To-Do List

If you've read my previous blog posts you'll know that I'm neither good at New Years resolutions nor to-do lists. But here we are anyways since I'm apparently not so great at consistency either...

1) Rearrange Theo's Medical Cube:

All sizes of gauze, rolls of paper tape, second skin bandages, Mic-Key extension tubes, stomach acid protector lollipops, ointments, pads, screw on syringes... are no longer needed!!! Theo's G-tube and the hole from his tube are history! My leaky boy is well on his way to becoming a chubby boy and therefore we can get rid of all the junk from our feeding tube escapade!

2) Potty Train Maverick:

When a baby is ready to go... He's ready to go in the potty! Since Maverick is keeping his diaper dry during naps, emptying his bladder all at once, as well as removing poopy diapers when unsupervised in his crib... we've gotten out the Elmo potty and let him walk around without any pants on. While this significantly cuts down on the amount of daddy snuggling that occurs during the day, it seems like he's getting the concept. 

3) Cease Allowing Theo to Nap on Beds or Couches:

You plug a leaky hole in the kid's stomach and apparently there's no stoping him! He's all over the place. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have believed he'd be making such huge strides in sitting up and crawling, but he's unstoppable! No amount of pillow walls can keep him where I put him. So in 2014 we'll only be using cribs for sleeping. 

4) Wear Long Dresses:

Since unintentionally weaning Theo a few weeks ago I have a whole other section of my wardrobe accessible to me! I have been so incredibly blessed to have gotten to nurse two babies... even though they're "non-biological" twins. My heart is extremely full for this experience I now cherish in my memory. 

5) Teach Hannah To Tie Her Shoes:

I have a new strategy for 2014... Task Daddy with shoe-tying-teaching responsibilities. I don't know why this idea hasn't struck me before! I'm married to one of the most naturally gifted teachers around... If I put him in charge of teaching the kids to tie their shoes Maverick could possibly be tying up his own sneakers before he's fully potty trained. My husband is THAT good. 

6) Instill Persistence In My Oldest Two Kids:

Any ideas on this one are welcome. I've started reading a few books on persistence, but I haven't finished any of them. Just kidding. I can't read. Well... I can read... I just don't have much reading time in my daily life. I do, however, have a sinking suspicion that my kids aren't going to learn the importance of sticking with something when it's hard and no longer fun until I surrender my fear that I'm raising quitters... Thank Jesus He's showing me how to do that. 

7) Quit Baby Food:

It's hard to realize, but we will most likely be out of the purées and bottles in 2014. My daily routine can't even imagine this, but it's highly probable. 

8) Print Off Pictures:

We have some amazing photos on our computer and lots of open walls in need of decorating. I want to hang some smiling faces on those walls & printing off pictures would be the best way to accomplish that...

9) Stop Saying Sorry So Often:

This is a whole other blog post... But it needs to happen. "Sorry" has become an identity I've placed on myself rather than an apology... and that is not right. 

10) Abide in Jesus:

I can't do any of these things on my own. Sure, I can follow advice and try my hardest and stay up late and sit down less... but apart from Jesus I can do nothing. I'm not trying to sound self defeating, it's just that I really believe the Bible is true and that's what John 15:5 says. Regardless of what I consistently put pressure on myself to do, each day has been given to me to simply live WITH Jesus. I want to stop measuring my worth by how many never ending tasks I was "successful" at "completing". For living in Jesus is truly life. 

"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)