On Beauty and Trees

What a silly, empty wind we chase named "beauty."

Our shackled eyes see through lenses of fear, 

hurts, 

rejection, 

unrealistic goals...

and we wrongly assume everyone else's eyes see the same.

 

Nothing, besides other humans, do we seek to label in this way.

Straining to force individuals into a pre-determined mold we call "beauty."

 

Imagine the futility of wasting our God-given time, 

thoughts, 

and energy 

searching through the woods to compare & lable the trees.

Judging and belittling until one alone stood as the 

"most beautiful."

 

For how can one tree be more beautiful than the others?

Each one shaped by God... 

Ever changing,

growing,

healing,

producing...

 

Shining with glorious color in the autumn.

Baring their strength in winter. 

Heralding signs of new life in spring.

Offering rich brightness & shade in the summer.

 

We decorate the prickly ones,

swing on the large ones,

tenderly care for the small ones,

& dream under them all. 

 

It is, in fact, the uniqueness of the individual trees arranged as a group that creates the beauty of the forest.

Beauty of one is not threatened by the beauty beheld in another.

Each beauty is extremely different

standing together, 

all shapes, 

colors, 

ages, 

sizes... 

A sturdy bouquet of the creativeness of God. 

Beautiful.

 

Do we dare to believe that God displays even more beauty in each & every person whom He has dreamed up?

Those He personally knit together in His own image?

Are we brave enough to reject such a deep seeded lie that there is a competition in which we are all pitted against one another...

a belief that our worth is at stake?

For that truly is a lie. 

Let us stop the tired comparisons

that harm ourselves & every other person,

and stand together...

unthreatened,

unashamed,

beautiful. 

"For we don’t dare classify or compare ourselves... in measuring themselves by themselves and comparing themselves to themselves, they lack understanding." (2 Corinthians 10:12)

The Mom Uniform

I have a uniform I wear to work. 

Since I'm my own boss (unless you count the two miniature dictators whom I serve daily), it's a self-inflicted uniform. 

Here is why I wear a stay at home work uniform:

1) It deferentiates my sleeping time from my awake time. There are days don't leave my house (it's splendid and torturous depending on the moment). This was rare when babies came single file, but since we doubled the number of children in a 8-week span two years ago I've been known to hunker down & arrange rides for the social members of the family. Taking off my flannel PJ pants to don my sweat pants signifies that I am not going to climb back in bed. Added bonus: it allows my husband to know that it's been one of "those days" when he arrives home and I'm not changed out of my PJ pants. 

2) It saves time and mental energy. 

I have an overwhelming hate of having to change clothes. So I choose clothes that I can clean, mother, work out, and run errands in. This eliminates jeans, anything white or expensive or fashionable. I also am constantly attuned to any piece of fabric that is making me slightly uncomfortable. Therefore I decide in the morning to wear clothing that respectable people change into after a long day of looking presentable. That way I don't have to think of multiple outfits or change later. It's ingenious if you think about it. 

3) It saves on laundry.

I wear dirty clothes. It's as true as it is sad... But it's tremendously helpful at keeping my expectations realistic. Every morning, Theo wraps his little arms around my neck and squeezes me with heart-melting hugs while he wipes his boogers on my shoulder. I can not write the words expressing how much I enjoy my morning squeezes from this little guy... If I were trying to maintain living in cleanly clothing, I'd be frustrated right off the bat (which may or may not occur most Sunday morning when I wear my "real" clothes). So I typically repeat the top layers of clothing for a couple days. That way they start out with "unidentifiable" stains on them. Yes, it's gross to say out loud, but it happens. This is evident in the discrepancy between amount of laundry I produce and the amount of laundry I do. 

3) It's Awesome. 

Some stay at home moms miss having stuff to get dressed nicely for... I'm not one of them. Since I was in grade school, comfort was not worth sacrificing to look cool... I have much photographic evidence. As previously stated, the fact that I can wear sweat pants every day is my most favorite thing about my job!!! I mean, besides my children, of course... I revel in the fact that I don't have a dress code to follow. Although I do have a few guidelines I try to stick to:

- Don't use sweatshirt thumb holes while changing poopy diapers... I don't wear that dirty of clothing!

- Long tank tops under my sweatshirts help keep my back covered through the constant up and down off the floor. (Is it just me, or are they making sweat pants with less fabric in the butt? I can't be the only mom with all the right junk in all the right places?!?)

- Don't wear the same color sweat pants and sweatshirt. It's not a true uniform. Unless your spawn are also wearing matching jogging suits... Then go right ahead, coach!

- It's ok to purchase cute looking comfy clothes. They will be well used. Worn multiple days in a row. Sweat in, snotted on, cuddled up to, seen on you by your family and (sometimes) other humans... It's ok to have ones you like.

Those are my twisted thoughts on fashion. 

Now you can feel a little more permission to freely dress how best suits your life. 

I wore this sweatshirt for the entirely too many days in a row last week...

PLOW[ing]

We weren't looking. The opportunity came to us with the understanding that we have but a short time with which to make the most of it. There's a need for someone (maybe a family) to be a bridge between local churches who have poor to feed, homeless to shelter, aliens to welcome, hurt to heal and the Body scattered abroad. To pour into those who are in early phases of ministry, to lead teens and their leaders for short term so they can go and lead where they're located. Will we leave our home for a city we love? Will we go to those we do not know who dwell far from those we hold dear? Will we let go of a steady paycheck, a big yard, a consistent church family for the unknown? Will we become missionaries in Envision, Cleveland? Hesitant and excited, honored and humbled, uncertain and sure... We PLOW...

PRAY[ing]....

Continuing the discussion with God. Pouring out emotions to Him who can keep feelings from driving us. Laying down our fears in the warmth of His perfect love. Confessing our doubt and insecurity (which is such a cruel disguise for pride) at the cross of grace. Recounting all the reasons we should... and all the reasons we can't to the listening ear of the One who writes our faith and knows our story... Repeating often.

LISTEN[ing]...

In the quiet stillness of our prayer times. In the depths of our hearts beating through our busy everydays. In His Word read and spoken over us. Through peace that inexplicably shows up where worry typically resides. Struck by the awe of an all-powerful God who speaks to His people... He says:

- "You are not alone. Go forward with your Church family."

- "I have called you to simply 'Follow Me'."

- "It's all temporary." 

- "Do you truly want Me, or have you made idols out of My blessings?" 

- "Insecurity is actually doubting My presence and power combined with your fear of how people perceive you."

- "I, who bless, am greater than the blessings I grant."

- "You are in danger of clinging to the things that are fading."

- "When has it ever been about 'what you want'? There is relief in laying that burden down."

- "My presence, full of joy, hope, love, rest, peace, and growth have been on the other side of every place you didn't want to live. You need not doubt now."

- "Be anxious in nothing. I AM enough for today and will move you to tomorrow."

So faithful to fill our listening ears with His voice. 

OBEY[ing]...

Heeding those who the Holy Spirit leads to speak into this. Laying down what we think we want at the feet of Him who we know is all we need. Submitting to the plans God gives through those in authority. Waiting in silent heart ache. Visiting the place of ministry. Venting selfish tantrums to God alone. Refusing the worry about the unknown in order to choose the reality that God is responsible for the details... Moving... Leaving... Grieving over the distance, the change, the family we will miss terribly... Grasping hold of the excitement of the adventure. Breathing in the awe that Jesus wants to shine through us in Cleveland to the world. Going...

WAIT[ing]...

To see where we'll live. How we'll move. Where the money will come from. What the adjustment will feel like with four little West Virginians in a city. To figure out roles. To meet interns. How we will stay rooted with our church family 5 hours away. For direction on schooling... How we'll actually get from here to there... To see Jesus build His kingdom in and around and through us. For the realization of the promise that we are cracked vessels spilling out the light of life wherever the Creator decides to put us.

We are sowing in tears. These people, this place, His church mean so very much to us... But "we will not offer to the Lord our God offerings that have cost us nothing." 

"Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will surely come back with shouts of joy, carrying sheaves with them." (Psalm 126:6) We tearfully embark on this ministry change fully believing that we will return often to share the harvest with our family in West Virginia.

How it feels

"This is how it's supposed to feel"...

The air burning in your nostrils. 

Your legs screaming. 

Your doubt nagging. 

The cadence of your feet pounding. 

Running the race...

The tears and sobs. 

The lips pouting. 

Your heart exhausted. 

Your kids testing. 

Boundaries upheld over and over and over again. 

Bringing up the child in the way he should go...

Your anger burning. 

Your heart bleeding. 

Wanting to run. 

Hopeless wishes rushing through your imagination.

Selfishness keeping you a partner to loneliness.

Keeping the vows 'till death do you part...

Fear dwelling with excitement. 

Anticipation melding with dread. 

Offering my worried, anxious self to be filled with His peace and hope minute by minute. 

Tears and laughter and longing and satisfaction.

Following Jesus...

Muscle is strengthened in the final minutes. In finishing through the burn at the end of the workout, ignoring your body screaming that it must stop.

It's the push that you are literally convinced your body is incapable of giving that births the new life. 

The ties that bind allow fights and loneliness to shape two imperfect people into a picture of perfect love in the hard choice of doing marriage. Holding on for the sweetness of refinement that we hope is past this fight.

It's a dangerous and exhilarating world in which we find our deepest need for an all sufficient Guide to lead us through in triumph to more than we could imagine. 

This is life... And this is how it's supposed to feel. 

Press on brothers and sisters under the wing of the One who can shape us through the fires of life. 

Redemption the Trick-Or-Treat Way

The end of October comes every year

bringing many contrasting convictions,

but shows a picture of Christ's redemption

more clearer than other celebrations.

This is the time where good deeds & our best 

are neglected from now being displayed.

Out come the ugly, the strange, & evil

we don't show others, except on this day.

With empty bags we appear at the door-

having done nothing good to deserve it,

though frightfulness appears on our faces

there is a treat for all who pursue it.

Such a picture resonates in my heart 

more than good children with long lists i see,

who hope their nice deeds are number enough

to earn them some presents under the tree.

To the cross with my empty heart open

I came dressed in rags of sin, pain & greed.

Christ saw all of me, with no good to show,

yet He placed something so sweet down inside.

So either way your convictions are swayed

while considering this 31st day-

don't close your eyes to the image that shines

or truth to be shown the trick-or-treat way.

Ephesians 2:1-5 "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world & the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature & following its desires & thoughts. Like the rest we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions -it is by grace you have been saved."

Mountain Momma

So much this place has taught me... 

So quickly my heart has grown deep roots in this mountain soil... 

So grateful for our time in West Virginia where...

State pride is defined,

Pepperoni Rolls are beloved,

Driveway grades are steep,

Ramps (and their odor) grow wild,

People feed on buckwheat for breakfast,

Where princesses, flower girls, jesters, and maids descend the hill while the whole state cheers,

Hunting is how Thanksgiving is spent,

And snow days are how January (and some of February) roll,

The place where Tudor's has ruined all other biscuits for me,

Corridor H is about jobs... and about time,

Dedication to sport starts young,

"Pedestrian friendly" is a true statement,

Accents are random,

Families are big,

Rivers have swings,

Motorcycles flock,

Skiing is a way of life,

Where CJ Maggie's serves giant beverages,

The Dairy Queen also has a King,

Snow falls are measured in feet,

Servant hearts serve lunch to those who serve our community,

Life is older than the trees, but younger than the mountains,

Strangers wave as they drive past,

Jamaica Jay's is the first sign that summer is near,

The night life is scarce,

The running community is deep,

The "Ultimate" games are open,

The volleyball courts are regularly occupied,

Where driving an hour or two just to wander a favorite store is common,

Holidays are still celebrated in school,

Highland dancers fling,

Gas is expensive,

Movies in theaters are cheap,

Bag pipes are learned,

Directions are given via landmarks instead of street names,

Blue and old gold are sported,

Mountains are hiked and biked,

Where my babies have grown,

My family has increased,

My husband has been ordained,

My heart has been healed,

My friendships have been forged,

My walls have come down,

Church has been defined,

My love forever will be,

And where country roads will always take me home...

 

The Depths of Forgiveness

how deep am i willing to dive into forgiveness?

some days i feel i've already treaded as deep as i can go...

yet i feel the Holy Spirit pushing me... prodding me to swim deeper

into waters unknown to me

... waters that Christ walks on...

for He has already been into the deep... fully submerged

only to resurface with a full victory...

of complete forgiveness

for all people

for every sin.

... even those we can't bear without terror

& He's there in that abyss of forgiveness calling

"follow Me"...

but the waves are crashing in my fearful mind, 

& the thunder of my broken heart is deafening,

the pain is crying louder than His still, small voice...

in the breath of the moment i'm incredibly aware that i have a choice

a hard choice

a painful choice

to either allow my eyes to be captured by the turmoil

the heart ache

the terror

or...

to fix my gaze on Jesus

Who is not thrown by the storm

or tossed by the waves of fear

Who knows the pain of this offense personally

for He Himself bore the consequences of this sin

with full knowledge of this betrayal 

He was pleased to make the offender His own...

if i choose to stop here

because i've already gone so far

or don't know how to go further...

then i'll drown in my unforgiveness.

but if i move forward

forgiving as Christ forgives

then i'm running toward His open arms

& that voice that stills the storm

... & if for only that reason

forgiveness is not the ignorant choice

& we should never mistake the peace of Jesus in the storm 

for a lack of knowledge of severity

or an absence of caring...

for it is the new way to true life

Isaiah 43... "forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. see, I am doing a new thing! now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert & streams in the wasteland... I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for My own sake, & remembers your sins no more..."