Hannah's purple, sparkley dress

Hannah has a purple, sparkley dress. We're talking princess-wardrobe-worthy here. It's made of sheer layers of multi-tone purple fabric that float around her as she spins. The tender fabric lays gently on her delicate shoulders. It has a beautiful sequin appliqué (consider that my big word for the day) that decorates the front of the sash.

And glitter. Lots of glitter.

The kind of glitter that catches any and all strands of light to reflect around the room. The kind of glitter that leaves a trail as she moves about her day. Enough glitter to turn your lap into a sparkley mess if it's graced with her sitting in it. The kind of glitter I find in my hair, on her dad's clothes, and clinging to the chubby cheeks of her brothers. It's a glittery, fancy dress for my gorgeous fancy girl.

And it's teaching me to keep my big mom mouth shut...

For my mom-style practicality would surely steal the magic from her swirling, shiny skirt. I bite my tongue to not say things like "A special dress like that should be saved for a special occasion." Or "it's too snowy and snow boots don't really match a fancy dress like that"...

Because after all isn't it me who needs to learn about life & fashion in this situation? I am that person who restrains myself from wearing clothes that are "too nice" or "too new" or "the color white" because my everyday might ruin them... And then I wouldn't be able to wear them... Which clearly doesn't make any sense.

And why shouldn't today be special enough for a sparkley, purple dress? We are not promised tomorrow... So requiring a dress this spectacular hang untouched in the closet from Christmas until Easter seems quite wasteful. Maybe the everyday will be celebrated as the special occasion it truly is with the wearing of sparkley magical clothing...

So instead I embrace the sparkles as a little visual picture of God answering our prayers that Hannah will shine with the light of Christ. My heart longs for my daughter (& all my boys of course) to spread God's love & grace & truth & Word & acceptance & purpose to everyone they interact with every day. I want for my children, as I want for myself, to leave the world different... more sparkley... just because they were there... & Jesus was shining thru them.

And I'll try to let go of the caution that leaves me normal & mundane & live life until the sparkle has been spread so far that the dress is retired too small and thread bare... And I'll admire the sparkley faces & places around me.

... And she stored all this up in her heart

I have a list... It's ideas I'd like to blog about... When I have the time to sit & write a blog... But this isn't off my list...

I'm typing this on my phone with one thumb because my arms are super full... Almost as full as my heart...

My twin-ish boys are both sleeping in my arms right now... They were sleepy & cuddley but it was too late for a real nap... So we're rocking... Theo with his crossed eyes slightly open & Maverick with the bumble bee nuk (which used to be Hannah's)... Just a trio of rock stars... There was even some off-key lyric spinning as they calmed down... Compliments of their pink-haired mamma...

On three different occasions today I had Mic in my arms... Not just a hug... But a full on "hold-you-me"... And in the middle of his preschool class he said to me "mamma I love when you hold-you-me"... And my heart was more full than my arms that held my giant 5 year old... & I thanked Jesus that today he still said "hold-you-me"... Because tomorrow comes quickly...

As if to prove that I woke up to a daughter wearing lipstick... She had on a stained up undershirt & "jeggings" with holes in the knee from crawling on the carpet so much & a string of beads & a bracelet... She was getting the bowls down from the high shelf & she turned to me with her lips painted bright red... And I smiled & told her how beautiful she looked... Because I tell her everyday... Because I think it everyday... & I saved the "you're not old enough" talk for a day when the lip color she chooses will last thru her bowl of LIFE cereal... & I was glad that she took my suggestion of adding a little tunic to complete her ensemble... For today...

I often pray that like Mary, God might enable me to store all these things up in my heart... Because we were created for eternity... So there's something sad amidst the passing of our daily magical moments... Our hearts cry to hold them as we celebrate the coming of the next... Like the way I marvel at the boys creeping & squirming all over the floor but also feel the sad reality that they are growing so quickly...

I don't want to miss these moments in the futile mourning of my inability to capture them... So I choose celebration in the amazing moments & I choose trust in the difficult moments... Because while all moments are fleeting they are impacting our hearts... And their impressions are deep...

46 Reasons Why That Mom Probably Feels Guilty

i hope you've seen that awesome blog post circulating Facebook & Pinterest "46 Reasons Why My Three Year Old Might be Freaking Out" http://jasongood.net/365/2012/12/46-reasons-why-my-three-year-old-might-be-freaking-out/ (there you go in case you haven't seen it). It's funny because it's true... which happens to be my favorite type of funny!

This has inspired me to make my own list of 46 reasons... topic the ever present, never helpful mom-guilt...

She ate the last banana

She didn't sign the permission slip that was left in the backpack

Her baby slept through the night

The laundry hasn't made it to the dressers

She locked the bathroom door (& then looked at Facebook while in there)

She yelled

She stayed up too late

She checked her email while the baby nursed instead of holding eye contact for the full 17 minutes

She has secret ice cream

She didn't work out

She did work out

She feeds her offspring processed foods... some even containing red dye #9 

She truly doesn't even remember which dye color & number is the poisonous one that she's not supposed to feed her offspring... she's just guessing on the name for her blog post

She grabbed coffee with a friend... Then because she turned down coffee with a friend

Her kids are playing happily on their own

She hasn't started her baby on solids yet

Her baby started solids before 6 months (multiple babies, remember?!?)

She didn't notice that her son's pants were on backwards until after preschool

She makes her daughter sit through having her hair french braided

The TV sometimes comes on during the week

She doesn't read enough books... play enough games... coach enough sports teams...

She grew tired of "knock-knock" jokes 4.5 years ago

She didn't snuggle her baby enough

She did snuggled her baby too much and now the house qualifies for the show "clean sweep"

She corrected her children for talking with their mouths full while she had food in her mouth

Her baby "cries it out"

Her child's foot was in a shoe 2.5 sizes too small & she was clueless

The baby's diaper leaked

She says things like "you don't need sweets every day" to her kids... while having aforementioned "secret ice cream"

Bed sheets don't get washed as often as they should... & neither do the people who sleep in the beds

She has a limited rotation of dinners that she can make

She does/doesn't work outside the home... the guilt doesn't care which choice she made or her reasons for her choice

She throws away "art work" multiple times a day

She keeps too much stuff & doesn't have an easy, convenient storage system for all of it

She is cranky from lack of sleep

She turned the monitor down & got a good night's sleep

The child didn't make the team

She takes too many pictures & doesn't "live in the moment" enough

She doesn't give in

She does give in

Her 1st grader doesn't know how to tie her shoes... because she doesn't know how to teach her

Her kids bicker

She sometimes tunes the children out

She's not as great as other mom's appear

She cheated so her kid could win the board game

She puts on "baby TV shows" for her infants so she can take a shower

... the list could go on...

Non-moms won't understand... because honestly us moms don't understand. It doesn't make sense. It's not beneficial to moms or to those in direct contact with us. We can all council others on not being "too hard" on themselves, but we struggle to silence our own negative mental nagging. 

But that is an important struggle to not give up on. We need to let go of guilt by first releasing the idea that there's a "perfect" parent status that we can attain. We need to admit that we aren't perfect, we do make mistakes, we are as messy as life itself. We need to put our hope in a God who is bigger than our messes, wiser than our ignorance, and perfect enough for all our imperfections. 

Romans 8:1 states "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". i recognize that the context of this statement is that the author is confessing that he often feels like he's losing in the battle against sin. but i'm thinking that if our faith in Jesus can free us from condemnation that we truly deserve because of our sins, then it's more than enough to also free us from our unfounded self condemnation... we just need to let it. 

By refusing to be overwhelmed by guilt that can easily be inserted in each & every decision we make, we can actually enjoy parenting. Let's get better at taking the advice we give others. Let's surround ourselves with those who will give us that good advice. And most importantly let's trust Jesus to be enough & simply seek to follow Him in our mothering.

To-Do Dangers

I have a few issues with "to-do" lists...

First off I get distracted while making them. This is a problem because it only proves how desperately I need to make a "to-do" list. Having a "to-do" list saves me from standing around during those brief moments that are ripe with potential accomplishment, re-assessing the million and one things that need done repeatedly, until I give up and decide instead to spend the following 6 minutes in the bathroom playing bejeweled blitz... At least it would help if i could locate the list during those moments.

And how exactly do I make a "to-do" list? Do I list thing in order of importance or in a chronological pattern? And what about all the other things I realize need done as I go about said list? If "thaw meat" is on the list & my sink is full of dishes requiring me to empty the clean dishes out of the dishwasher & put the dirty dishes in before I'm able to thaw the meat, do I edit my list to include "empty dishwasher" & "load dishwasher" just so I can have the satisfaction of crossing those off the list? And if that's the case should I also include "update to-do list" on my "to-do" list? Where does one stop?

I'm also unclear on what to do with all the stuff that's left on my "to-do" list at the end of the day. Each day brings repeat offenders (dishes, kitchen, laundry, papers...) that I often struggle just to complete. Therefore what's left on the list are the bigger projects (vacuuming, changing sheets, bathing children, organizing closets) that take special energy & opportunity (and yes, I'm aware you're all laughing at that honest list I just made...) My question is how long do I keep making the same list everyday & only doing the same 4 things until I give up on the others?

There's also this deeper issue that I've struggled with regarding "to-do" lists... People get placed on them and I become the list. Let me explain...

I'm busy. This isn't a recent development that came included with a set of twins. I've always been an on-the-go-can't-sit-still kinda gal. I wanted to leave basketball practice 7 minutes early so I could change in the car on my way to ballet class... I took 18 hours of college credits per semester while working part time, playing on the soccer team, training for a marathon & raising money for the diabetes association... I worked two jobs, volunteered with the youth group, played on the worship team & worked hard at my new marriage... I like busy.

I can hide in busy.

In order to keep this life of busyness I had to mentally check off my "to-do" list at every moment. That means constantly pushing my multi-tasking ability to the next level. It means turning time with my family, relaxing with my handsome husband, hanging out with friends, ministry opportunities, running, praying, reading... even God Himself into "to-do's". This is not fulfilling. This is exhausting.

Then came that moment when i realized i desperately needed all the good stuff I was doing to mean I was good... good enough. But busy doesn't equal worthy. It was at that certain ladies Sunday school class (shameless plug... Go to Sunday school. What do you have going on Sunday morning that's more important than digging deeper into God's Word with other believers?) that I was confronted with the truth that God loved me... Not what I did. Just me. No hiding necessary. It was pointed out to me that God made us human beings not human doings. This simple, shocking truth still rocks my world. There is a me beneath & beyond the things I do... Or have "to-do"... And God desires that me.

Wow.

When I focus on "being" and not "doing" things change... It's not that I necessarily do less or different stuff... But I'm different. I'm not rushing around in a void attempt to squeeze value out of a longer "to-do" list that's completely checked off. I'm free to find rejuvenation in sitting on the couch with my husband... I'm free to leave the dishes when I can sneak in a run... To truly care about the person who I have the opportunity to serve... To have the God of this universe speak to my tiny heart... Instead of seeing all this & more as things I "must do" in order to be worth love & acceptance. The Bible says God loved us first, when we were still His enemies, while we were still lost in sin. And He still loves us today. Just as much. Never more. Never less. Regardless of how much we do or how much we still have "to-do".

I'm still far from great at viewing myself this way. I still believe lies about my worth that sometimes trip me up. I need constant reminding... But I have another day every morning "to-do" WITH God & grow deeper in this understanding... And
I'll keep moving forward in this freedom...

After all it's #1 on my "to-do" list.

Math Parent-Style

Math word problems. Always a blast in school. Super fun figuring out train arrival times and hourly wages and the such. i'm fairly certain it's been awhile since you brushed up on some word problems... mental exercise for the day momma (or daddy) style:

1) There are 2 children who start out with 1 inflated balloon. There are 2 melt downs over who is playing with said balloon. There are two more balloons added to the fun. There are then 4 more melt downs. One over the younger sibling being better than the older at blowing up balloons, 2 over balloons popping, and one over rules to an invented balloon game. It is 11:24 AM. Will both children have to take "sleeping naps" after lunch?

Answer: 100%

2) You went to bed at 10:30 PM last night. It is now 2:52 PM. You were awaken during the night 2 times to feed babies, one time due to power flickering off and on, 6-12 times due to loud frozen rain and super wind gusts, 2 times due to storm door being blown open, 1 time due to middle of the night poopy diaper incident, and 3 times due to spouse sleeping restlessly. Drinking caffeine after 4 PM will make you lie awake for 40-60 minutes at bedtime. You've already ingested the one cup of coffee your stomach allows you to have without complaining. Do you chance the second cup in hopes of accomplishing something today?

Answer: Skip the second cup of coffee and actually finish first cup that you thought you already finished but really just hid in the microwave for awhile... quickly before 4:00.

3) It takes child #1 4.5 minutes to get dressed, 47 seconds to brush teeth and hair, 1.8 minutes to re-brush teeth and hair after mom checks them, 13 seconds to locate book bag, 6.1 minutes to explain why she is super excited about last weeks music class project, 2 minutes to put on shoes and jacket, and 3.1 minutes to locate book bag again before heading out the door. Child #2 takes 2.6 minutes to get dressed, 8 minutes to locate socks that are put away where they belong, 42 seconds to turn his clothes around so pants and shirt are not on backwards, 1.4 minutes to brush teeth, 0 seconds even thinking about book bag, 3.2 minutes wandering aimlessly around, and 20 seconds to put on jacket and shoes (on the wrong feet of course) before heading out the door. Child #3 & child #4 are infants. They take a combined total of 3 diaper changes at 38 seconds per change, 3 outfit changes (including 1 outfit change for parent due to diaper changing incident) at 2.4 minutes per change, 2 feeding sessions at 9.7 minutes per session, 1 diaper bag prepared at 4.6 minutes of preparation, and 3.9 minutes of buckling and bundling into car seats while infants protest loudly. What time would this family have to begin preparing to leave in order to make it to school by 8:37 AM?

Answer: Seriously. This is an honest question. i need to figure this out. Please crunch the numbers and let me know. Mind you that i don't function kindly before 8AM so no answers including mention of the 6 o'clock hour will be accepted.

4) The cookie recipe calls for 1 box of cake mix, 1 egg, and 1 melted stick of butter. Children spill 1/23 of the cake mix on the counter. Four pieces of egg shell .17 cm in diameter fall into the mix. 2% of the stick of butter explodes on microwave walls during melting process. Children take turns mixing the dough at approximately 20 beats per minute. There are 2 cookie sheets each 11 inches wide. 16 cookies fit on each sheet. There is only 1 rack in the oven that is 20 inches wide. It takes 8 minutes to bake cookies to gooey perfection. How long will it take the parent to give in and just eat pre-made cookie dough straight from the freezer?

Answer: Mmm... cookie dough...

5) There are 6 people in the household. 2 of the 6 are miniature humans who use very few dishes. 2 of the 6 are grown adults capable and willing to put dirty dishes in dishwasher and clean dishes away. 2 of the 6 are learning to care for their own dishes... slowly. There are 15 metal spoons, 16 metal forks, 21 plastic spoons, and 11 plastic forks (that we can currently find). If 2 of the 6 eat lunch outside of the house 5 days a week, and 4 of the 6 eat supper together off of plates (or bowls if cereal is the main course), how many hours does it take to keep the kitchen from looking like a disaster?

Answer: All day, every day

How'd you do? Feel free to grade yourself on a sliding scale. Consider that your mental workout of the day. Bonus points added for clever answers posted in the comments. Also please note that my dear friend explained how to add a nice "follow by email" option to my page so you can put in your email if you'd like to see when i post :) Smile, stay warm & help those who aren't today!

Payne-filled Truth

Lest you be fooled by posted photos of grinning babies and hugging siblings...

Lest we lose the celebration of passing trials in the time that passes with them...

Lest we forget what the start felt like when our normal has been adjusted...

Let me be clear...

The babies do cry. Sometimes in tandem. Sometimes in alternating shifts so that no moment goes uncovered. Sometimes in the midst of me trying to cook, or sleep, or pee. Sometimes it makes my brain shut off. Sometimes it makes my heart break. Other times the angry "L" sounds make me chuckle. Sometimes I take pictures... Because I'm ultra compassionate.

We do fight. Sometimes loudly. Sometimes silently stewing in our icey corners. There are obnoxious bickerments. There are heated discussions about real, true, hurtful issues. The dangerous combination of moderate sleep deprivation and slight hormonal irregularities (feel free to guess who) creates the perfect environment for short tempers. Sometimes fighting comes too easily... While other times you step into it knowing its going to hurt... but not nearly as bad as ignoring the issue and pretending it doesn't exist.

Working out hurts. I don't always feel motivated to run. The lack of core strength makes me feel like my guts are going to spill out mid-stride. Sometimes I dread going to the gym. My abdominal muscles always complain about my workout in the middle of the night when it's time to get up to feed a baby. Sometimes I celebrate a 10 second plank. But I get stronger each time I push thru the pain... and it's worth it.

i'm not super mom. There's a sliding scale of "dirty" when it comes to laundry in this house. i aim to bathe our children twice a week... and often fail at achieving that lofty goal. My children's coughing annoys me. My infants watch TV. Cooking is not my forte. Maverick sleeps on his belly. The preschool teacher sometimes calls me to see if i was planning on picking up Mic. More often than i should admit supper consists of popcorn & yogurt in front of a movie... i'm not advocating for any of these things... Just giving you an honest glimpse into my mothering reality.

Medical needs are demanding. A single tube feed requires pumping (or mixing special formula), cleaning the button & site, attaching the tubes, priming the bag, dissolving & mixing & adding the medicine, rinsing syringes, hanging the bag, setting the dose, remembering to actually press "run" before the irritating beeping begins, snuggling & practicing latching & sucking, waiting for feeding to finish, unhooking, detaching, rinsing & storing tubes, storing bag... Until the next feeding... Which needs started in about 2 hours. Having the oxygen tube in means that one baby has to stay in the living room. No carrying him to comfort him while getting a quick bite to eat or bringing him with me to sort laundry. Also said baby is incredibly Houdini-like with getting the cannula out of his little nostrils. The tubes cause nose bleeds and tripping hazards. Spot checking his O2 sats with a home machine means spending 3-8 minutes holding the sensor on his foot trying to get the pulse ox to actually read his levels. It means running out of bags on Christmas Eve & formula over the weekend. It means phone calls daily about medical coverage & appointments & supplies & deliveries & therapies... & SO much paperwork. It means 3 specialists, 2 general care doctors, a home nurse, a therapy team of 5, 2 medical supply companies... We regularly drive 2 hours for his appointments & go once a week to his local doctor for weight checks... And have already had an emergency room visit on a weekend. This is a lot... A lot of blessings we never imagined. The people who help us care for him are amazing & we get the privilege of adding them to our family. We rejoice over the fact that I simply get to nurse both babies now... A different perspective than if we hadn't started with tubes. We recognize that God has healed & strengthened his lungs instead of taking breathing on his own for granted. I don't add this paragraph to complain, but to remember clearly and to rejoice.

Life in our family is messy, loud, crazy, stressful, busy... Laundry & dishes & toys & papers & dirt pile up... Boo boos happen, hands don't always get washed, things break... We need help just to function... but that is some of the beauty of life. It's real... and hard... and full... and worth it!

So never judge other lives based only on still shots into it... And most definitely don't compare your private worst with other's public best.

Resolving Resolutions

i'm going to use my blogging time to do a little bragging right now...

i'm 50% finished with my New Year's resolution!!! That's right, folks, it's January 2nd & this chick is almost there! Be jealous. I'm THAT productive.

Sure, my New Year's resolution declaration was made around 8PM on NYE (after the kids were already asleep) and it went something like this"i vow to bathe our children this new year... like they all need baths tomorrow." Brice, in his usual support of my aiming for high goals, agreed... Later the next evening he assured me that since i had made it as a New Year's resolution that i have all of 2013 to make it happen (since it wasn't happening yesterday as needed). i love that man.

So here i am... sitting with 2 freshly bathed baby boys feeling like a resolution rock star. i'm not focusing on the crusty older kids who may or may not smell kinda like Fritos (and they aren't getting showered tonight either because they're at AWANA). After all i'm probably way ahead of reaching my New Year's goal than other slackers :)

This has got me thinking about New Year's resolutions that i should make but i'm not making... want a list?

Get Organized. Papers sit in piles around here & reproduce. i'm fairly certain they feed on the important papers that i placed in specific places in order to regenerate more work pages and receipts for things i don't even recall purchasing & most certainly don't need. i have multiple baskets set around my house so that i have lots of places to search through what i don't need looking for what is vital. But the filing cabinet we bought 2 months ago is still in its box & "sort thru papers" has been on my "to-do-list" for so long it's permanently burned into the dry erase board... so instead of resolving to be more organized i've decided to just call "searching through papers" my hobby. That way i can also skip the resolution to start an interesting hobby.

Eat More Whole Foods. i'm gonna instead just aim to actually finish the whole poptart that i started for breakfast before it's time for lunch. That way i can eat my kids leftover gogurt & american "cheese-product" without failing on any resolve. i'm totally laughing at the cringing my fitness friends are doing just imagining the junk in poptarts and american cheese slices... hehe :)

Begin Couponing. If i don't start this one then i can kinda claim that it's a offensive strategy in my war against paper, right? Coupons are super. They save money. They should be used by all who are capable. In fact... if any of you are really good at couponing & have extra deals you want to pick up for me while you're at it i'd gladly pay you back what you spend.

Have a Date Night Weekly. Since we have 2 nursing infants i'm instead going to resolve to go on a date any time it's even slightly possible. This shall include trips to Kroger or Walmart or to doctor appointments in Morgantown or catching a movie on Netflix... as long as i'm with my superb husband i'm just going to enjoy him. Although this resolution might suddenly appear at the Hunger Games movie release...

Lose Weight. i'm already bummed out from typing that. So instead i'm gonna pull from my "Waist Management" arsenal & decide just to focus on enjoying what i eat. Even if it's eaten over my nursing baby... or off my preschooler's plate... or while doing 6 other things. Food is yummy. i don't want to be too busy to notice that.

Recycle. Can i just complain about not having road-side recycling pick up & call that close enough? i'm already terrified that our weekly "burn" pile is going to come to life one night & consume a small child (we have a few around & none of them run very fast).

i'm not against making resolutions at any time of the year. i sincerely believe in doing what's hard for what's worth it. But lists like these can often lead us to feel inept & give us the false sense that we're failing at some unseen race. So as we start this New Year i want to share with you what Jesus often whispers in my ear... "kimmy, kimmy, you are worried and upset about many things, but ONLY ONE thing is needed. Choose the better thing of sitting in My presence & it will not be taken from you." Check out Luke 10:38-42... insert your name in verse 41... and have a year filled with sitting at Jesus' feet. You won't regret it.