Little Warrior Payne

Today I realized...

I was tired...

   Of being covered in spit up...

    Of concocting meals of just the right consistency to both challenge him to chew and yet not choke him that contain high calories, protein, fats, carbs & vitamins that won't make him even more constipated...

   Just to have said "meals" leak out of his button soaking his shirts & pants & seat & me...

     Of applying silver nitrate to his button bump just to see it bleed through his onesie but not seeing any difference in said bump...

   Of the crying...

     Of fighting to keep his hand out of his throat...

 Of remembering to give all of the medications he needs throughout the day at just the right intervals...

   Of wrestling him into submission to take said medicine...

  Of finding another sitter for the other baby for another doctor appointment...

    Of changing his wet outfits 5 times a day...

 Of teething...

Then the Holy Spirit tenderly opened my eyes to see what was right in front of me...

Theo...

  That it was his meals that were leaking and erupting from his little body...

    His skin that constantly feels damp...

   How much effort he has to give for everything he does...

  That his stomach must feel so strange emptying from so many directions...

     That grumpy is acceptable when constipated...

  His little gums must be so sore from working on breaking teeth through...

   How frustrating it must be to be denied his favorite self-soothing technique...

  He's the one tasting all the yucky medicines...

And yet he smiles... So much more often than he cries. 

He works SO very hard... Everyday. 

He giggles and wiggles and hugs. 

He faithfully takes in food... regardless of how it may exit his body. 

He tolerates my bad moods and irrational grumpiness... And still lights up when he sees me. 

He's constantly fighting. Every minute of every day. To grow & learn & function. He handles being in the thick of it all so much better than I handle my front row seat to his battle. He displays so much strength and grace and joy regularly... That the occasional grumpy spell is well earned. And I am blessed to be given such a close-up view. For here I get to cheer, and challenge, and assist, and pray over, and witness him. And it's true that this seat is currently in the "splash-zone" of stomach contents and medicine spills... But it's so small in comparison to all he feels and battles and will overcome.  

So while there are days where I will feel tired... I am learning from my baby how to handle struggles a little better along the way. 

Dear Princesses...

There are a few things i think you should know:

1) i'm talking to you. 
Yes, you. God Himself dreamed you up from an infinite amount of possibilities and put skin on you. He paid the price that you couldn't pay so that you could be a part of His royal family. One of His daughters. He's already accepted you, and when you receive that acceptance for yourself, you become a princess... You who are riding on the homecoming float, and you who are hiding under the bleachers. You are a princess. You who are currently admired and celebrated, and you who feel forgotten and lost. You are a princess. Regardless of how you look, how you feel, how old you are, how sick you are, how much you laugh or hide or cry. No matter how you imagine other people view you... or how they actually do... You are a princess. 

2) Get to know the King.
After all it is Him who has made you a princess. Don't assume that what others have told you about Him is enough. You are His daughter... know Him for yourself. For if you do not know God, then you will not know what good even is... for we are all insufficient at determining good. If you do not see Jesus, then you will not be convinced that He loves you when His love doesn't fit into our understanding. If you do not hear from the Father, how will you know which way to walk? For while you are a princess, you are not the omnipotent King... but you do have access to Him. Run into His throne room daily to be embraced by Him. Report your troubles and fears directly to His ears. Ask Him for what it is that you want and need. Listen to His power-filled voice singing over you... Know Him and be known by Him. For that is the true value of your royalty.

3) Princesses don't compete.
There is no need. Your Daddy is the King, therefore know who you are. Don't view other princesses as threats. You don't need to be fancier, or more adored, or wear more crowns, or carry more titles. You are already adored by the the Ruler of the world. You have arrived as far as esteem is concerned. The confidence of a princess is not put in who you are better than, prettier than, better dressed than, liked more than... it is simply that you are a chosen child of the Supreme Lord. Stop competing. Start living in that celebration.

4) Life's more like a battle than a pageant.
Don't be fooled into daily donning your most sparkly costume. Don't waste energy memorizing simple answers to hard questions that sound good but help nothing. Refuse to cover over who you really are with a mask of make-up that you are convinced others will like more. Develop your talents, but not to be voted by imaginary judges as better than those around you, but in order to gain honor for your royal family. Dress in a way that will protect you from the enemy who wants to steal your beauty and replace it with regret. Burn away hours seeking Truth and Wisdom at the feet of the all-knowing, generous King, so that your words will bring life where death is ringing. Let your weaknesses, and fears, and imperfections, and scars, and faults be seen by the audience in your daily life... for in that terrifying act of bravery you will allow those who are blind to see your God be enough. Be passionate. Be disciplined. Be bold. For there are masses, who right now, are starving, and bleeding, and falling, and dying both spiritually and physically... and you, as a princess, have the opportunity to fight for them. Ignore the lull of pageantry that will leave you feeling empty and hidden, and accept the call to battle that will truly free you to sparkle.

5) Your position is purposeful.
Your Father, the King, knows better than you. He has placed you where a princess is needed. Stop fantasizing about how magical other princesses must have it, and look around you. Your popularity does not define you. Your strength is not in yourself. Your riches do not provide for you. Your hope is not in your circumstances. You can shine from a dark corner with dirty, exhausted hands of faithful service to those God has called you. If God has placed you on a shiny platform... then shine and speak for Him. Don't just wave at the crowds who clamor to be seen by royalty. Show them how to join in the family. Determine in your mind daily to shine as a princess where you are, and trust the King to keep you and move you in perfect time.

This is just a brief excerpt from a love letter written to you by the King. Know that your status as a lovely princess of God is not reliant on any title man can give. i'm proud of my homecoming princesses. i root for my lovelies who compete in pageants... i just want you all to see the bigger reality of who you truly are. i hope it leaves you hungry to hear more. 

Check out some of these passages...
Psalm 45
Isaiah 62
1 Peter 2:9-17
Isaiah 43:1-6
1 Peter 1:3-9
Romans 8:14-18