Letter to Santa

The fact that I'm writing a letter to Santa 4 days after Christmas isn't that surprising... I wasn't likely to be on time before the twins... It's just not going to suddenly become my thing now. But this isn't the typical letter that gets sent up north...

Dear Saint Nicholas,
There is no doubt that your spirit of generosity was anointed. How else could it inspire so many all over the world for centuries? I believe that you received the gift of eternal life and you chose to start living that eternity right here on earth. The Holy Spirit shone thru you spilling out to a world of individuals. You gave where there was need. You gave when it hurt. You gave when it cost you. You gave when it would've been easier to not give. You gave even though those who were receiving could never repay you... Or even thank you sufficiently. And that same Spirit still shines today through those like you who give because they have received.

So I want to say thank you to the Saint Nicholas' in our life...

Thank you for the gifts. I smiled hugely as my children danced with anticipation of the gifts you thoughtfully prepared for them. The lack of flying reindeer did not dampen the excitement at the sight of all those gifts under the tree... Gifts we were overwhelmed by.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness. If our children had gone shopping for their own gifts they would've picked much of what they opened... It was amazing. Thankfulness abounded. Over and over they asked "how did they know I wanted this?" & I have no answer... Just gratitude.

Thank you for your generosity. We would've had a "creative" Christmas... And it would've been sweet & just as true... But because of your generosity we had an abundant celebration of our Lord's birth. We are undeserving. We are in awe. We see Jesus in your selfless giving.

So thank you Saint Nicholas for sacrificing & giving & even spending time in jail (check out his story sometime... Amazing guy) because you were so extremely full of true life. And thank you to those who shine today... I pray God will shine through me to others as you have done... As shiney as St. Nicholas' lead reindeer's nose.

Abundant Payne

Sometimes i look around... i hear other people's stories... i read the headlines... 

And sometimes i can't help but ask...

Why me?

i've cried for my friends who struggle to conceive while my belly grows round with child...

i've held my babies against the same shoulders that have caught the tears of mothers who have lost their babies...

My husband has held me as i melt down over the stress of mothering 4 (let's be honest... when i was just mothering 2) while my sister raises 6 kids while her husband is gone...

My camera has captured images of my children growing and my family playing while there are eyes that have never seen...

We brought our son home less than 1 year after we began our adoption process while i've witnessed heart-wrenching adoption fiascoes that have drug on for years or ended too suddenly...

i've breathed crisp air while jogging distances many people can't walk...

People celebrate the fact that we have been blessed with two babies at the same time by cooking & cleaning & giving & helping us...

There are more Bibles in this house than people who can read them... and i don't have to hide them or the fact that i read and believe that Truth is found within the pages...

We laughed & danced & wondered on a magical Polar Express train ride that was gifted to our children on the day that 27 families in Connecticut found out their loved ones weren't coming home...

Clean, hot water falls from my faucets... There is enough food in my house to sustain my family for weeks...  There are empty rooms in our safe, dry, warm, lovely house... We have so many clothes that cleaning & folding & hanging & storing them often overwhelms me... My 4 kids can laugh and play so hard that my house is always messy with expensive toys that have been generously passed onto us... We have access to healthcare that makes it so that people not growing old is the exception not the expectation...

Why me?

i have not made all the right choices... i'm not a perfect parent... i struggle as a wife... i'm greedy... i worry even though Jesus says repeatedly that i'm not to... i didn't earn the ability to think or walk or see or hear or breathe... i'm not a financial genius... i have done nothing to deserve the life i have... i simply answered the call that Jesus put on my heart to follow Him.

Following Jesus doesn't make life stop hurting... It doesn't fix all the things we'd like to see fixed... It doesn't end injustice yet... But Jesus does give us strength for today & hope for tomorrow... so as I follow hard after Him i'm going to laugh in the fun moments... cry in the sad... knowing that God never promised us a white-picket-fence type life... and move forward trusting that God is in control and His ways are perfect even when our understanding falls short... and that's abundance that transcends situations...

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom i am the worst. But for that very reason i was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:14-16